Wednesday, October 17, 2012

I Think I Must be Dreaming

I don't know how to say what I've come here to tell you. 

I don't know how to hold the thought in my head without falling to pieces.

Two weeks ago, Kyle, the incredible, sweet boy I fell in love with four years ago, told me he doesn't want to be my husband anymore.  There was no affair, and no abuse in our relationship.  There weren't any of the typical "big problems" that usually lead to divorce.  In fact, he can't offer me much of an explanation at all.  The most clear reason he gave was, "I just need to be alone."

Germany was hard on us, I admit.  But I kept faith throughout the two years we spent there.  I did everything I could to make living in a foreign place less of a burden.  And yet, three days after we arrived in Kentucky, when I thought to myself, "Finally.  Finally, we're together at home.  Finally, things will get easier," he decided to give up. 

Since he told me he wants out, he's cut off all contact with me that doesn't partain to an expedient divorce.  He leaves for New York this weekend, and won't even see me to say goodbye.

How?  And why?  And isn't there anything I can do?  I can't eat.  I can't sleep.  I can't think about anything but how horribly wrong this is.  I play every moment of our relationship over in my head to try and find one thing to change, one thing that would have led to a different outcome.  But I honestly can't see anything I've done wrong. 

I gave everything.  Sacrificed everything.  Gladly.  I felt lucky to have a love worth so much struggle.

And now he says it's over.  That I was a mistake.  That we were young.  And so many other cruel things that I can't bear to repeat.

The worst part is...  Despite everything - regardless of all I've lost, of all he's said over the past two weeks, and of how much I've been hurt - I love him with all my heart.  I entered into my marriage the way a wife should.  I expected it to last forever, and I was willing to do anything and everything to keep our love alive.  But somehow my husband, my caring, patient husband, lost faith in us.  And there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to help him find it again.

My heart aches.  Every last piece of me is screaming, "Don't go!"  What we have, or had, or I still have...  It was special, and fragile, and precious.  It deserves so much more respect than this.  It deserves more than a rushed divorce, and more than the pitiful excuses.  It deserves...I deserve...a fair shot at making things work.

How did this happen?  How did we get here?  How is it that our last embrace, last kiss, and last shared laughter has come and gone?  How is it that I'll never smooth our children's hair before bed, or throw the wedding we missed out on?  How is it that after fighting so hard to keep us together through unimaginable hardships, Kyle can give up when things could finally have been easy?  Someone please explain these things to me, because nothing in my shattered world is making any sense right now.

Someone, please, please, please tell me this isn't happening.  Please tell me I'm not the fool I feel like.  Tell me he'll change his mind.  Tell me I'll never have to say goodbye again.  Tell me that the wonderful man I married, the one who calls me "Queen" and thinks my faults are adorable, either has an honorable reason for this, or has temporarily lost his mind.

Make it go away.  Make it better.  Make it stop.

I could be so strong, for us.  I was so strong when there was a future to look forward to.  But I don't know how to do this.  I'm not sure I can do this.  It feels like dying.  It really, truly does.