Wednesday, October 17, 2012

I Think I Must be Dreaming

I don't know how to say what I've come here to tell you. 

I don't know how to hold the thought in my head without falling to pieces.

Two weeks ago, Kyle, the incredible, sweet boy I fell in love with four years ago, told me he doesn't want to be my husband anymore.  There was no affair, and no abuse in our relationship.  There weren't any of the typical "big problems" that usually lead to divorce.  In fact, he can't offer me much of an explanation at all.  The most clear reason he gave was, "I just need to be alone."

Germany was hard on us, I admit.  But I kept faith throughout the two years we spent there.  I did everything I could to make living in a foreign place less of a burden.  And yet, three days after we arrived in Kentucky, when I thought to myself, "Finally.  Finally, we're together at home.  Finally, things will get easier," he decided to give up. 

Since he told me he wants out, he's cut off all contact with me that doesn't partain to an expedient divorce.  He leaves for New York this weekend, and won't even see me to say goodbye.

How?  And why?  And isn't there anything I can do?  I can't eat.  I can't sleep.  I can't think about anything but how horribly wrong this is.  I play every moment of our relationship over in my head to try and find one thing to change, one thing that would have led to a different outcome.  But I honestly can't see anything I've done wrong. 

I gave everything.  Sacrificed everything.  Gladly.  I felt lucky to have a love worth so much struggle.

And now he says it's over.  That I was a mistake.  That we were young.  And so many other cruel things that I can't bear to repeat.

The worst part is...  Despite everything - regardless of all I've lost, of all he's said over the past two weeks, and of how much I've been hurt - I love him with all my heart.  I entered into my marriage the way a wife should.  I expected it to last forever, and I was willing to do anything and everything to keep our love alive.  But somehow my husband, my caring, patient husband, lost faith in us.  And there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to help him find it again.

My heart aches.  Every last piece of me is screaming, "Don't go!"  What we have, or had, or I still have...  It was special, and fragile, and precious.  It deserves so much more respect than this.  It deserves more than a rushed divorce, and more than the pitiful excuses.  It deserves...I deserve...a fair shot at making things work.

How did this happen?  How did we get here?  How is it that our last embrace, last kiss, and last shared laughter has come and gone?  How is it that I'll never smooth our children's hair before bed, or throw the wedding we missed out on?  How is it that after fighting so hard to keep us together through unimaginable hardships, Kyle can give up when things could finally have been easy?  Someone please explain these things to me, because nothing in my shattered world is making any sense right now.

Someone, please, please, please tell me this isn't happening.  Please tell me I'm not the fool I feel like.  Tell me he'll change his mind.  Tell me I'll never have to say goodbye again.  Tell me that the wonderful man I married, the one who calls me "Queen" and thinks my faults are adorable, either has an honorable reason for this, or has temporarily lost his mind.

Make it go away.  Make it better.  Make it stop.

I could be so strong, for us.  I was so strong when there was a future to look forward to.  But I don't know how to do this.  I'm not sure I can do this.  It feels like dying.  It really, truly does.

16 comments:

  1. I wish I had the words to help you in this difficult time, but I can't find them. I'm so sorry. My heart breaks for you, and I can't imagine how you must be feeling. I'm thinking of you, and always here if you feel the need for a friend.

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  2. Carrie, I am so sorry :( My heart goes out to you and I can't imagine what you must be going through. Please know that I am thinking of you. Sending big virtual hugs to you. Kess x

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  3. Oh wow. I can relate because it happened to me. Not exactly like you but my husband of 13 years all of a sudden said one night 'I don't think I love you anymore'. And sadly it did turn out to be another woman, that he had been having an affair with for 9 months, and I never suspected a thing. I still have issues today because of what he did to me. I've been a follower of yours since before you and Kyle got married. All I can tell you is that he's not telling you everything, you obviously know that, and that my heart hurts for you. I've written some on my blog about it but not the whole story I don't think. It is so unfair to you that he is doing this without the whole story to help you understand where his head is at. You don't deserve how he's treating you and you don't deserve to have it end this way. You put your life on hold for him and Germany. I know that feeling of not being able to eat or sleep. I lost 50 pounds when I divorced the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I love him to this day. I hate what he did to me and us but for some stupid reason I still love him. It's been almost 14 years now. I'm so sorry Carrie. The only advice I can give you is to try to put one foot in front of the other and one day at a time. Start thinking about you and what you need to do to put some kind of life together for you and Brinks. You do have Brinks right? That baby will bring you through your darkest days, as mine (2) did for me when I moved here. I know that all you can do is think about Kyle and where it might have gone wrong. Maybe he will wake up and see what he's going to lose. But in the meantime you have to think about you and where you go from here. I know it's hard, believe me. Been there, done that, moved a whole state away. At least you don't have children. I had his 16 year old daughter, that I took in to my home and raised from the age of 6. She's my daughter in every sense of the word except for the blood. I could go on and on. Please, think about you and where you go from here. I wish you all the best and I hope for your sake that Kyle comes to his senses and sees that he can't live without you. Huge hugs hon. xxxxxx

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    1. Yes, I most definitely do have Brinks! There was never even a question about which of us would keep the fur-baby. He's a Momma's boy, for sure.

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  4. Oh Carrie, I have been following your journey for years now being inspired by you and I wish there were words that I could say to make it feel better for you. I could tell you that you're young and you will get through this but the thing is, you're way more mature than your years suggest you should be so in your case, that statement simply holds no weight. I can tell you that the pain will fade but again, these are just words and they will mean nothing when up against the pain you feel right now. Ive been where you are now and I know that nothing I type here is going to ease what you're going through. I wish there was... From what I've read, you have an amazing support system. Now is the time to use that even if you feel bad doing it. And keep writing. Doesn't matter where or what just write. You have a talent for it and it will definitely help guide you through this even when it seems like it isn't. Keeping you in my thoughts...

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  5. Oh my goodness. Carrie I don't know what to say, other than I am so sorry! I agree with everyone on here. We (your virtual friends) are here for you. Your real life family and friends are there for you. Lean on anyone and everyone you can to keep your own self upright. You are an amazing, mature beyond your years, intelligent and self-sacrificing woman. Don't ever take back what you have done because your life is your life for a reason - everything truly happens for a reason - and I know you would never give up what you had, despite what it happening right now. We love you and we're here for you. Keep writing, for your own sake - it will make things easier.

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  6. Oh my gosh, such a brave post to write and I'm so sorry that you had to do it. Keep strong and remember that it will get better and one day you'll look back at this post and be able to see just how far you've joureyed since then!

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  7. Carrie, your'e so brave to have stayed strong until now. He is so wrong and unreasonable. I can feel how you feel. I feel so sad and sorry for you but don't worry, i think there is always a reason for everything that happened. He will get his punishment for being so bad. You have to stay strong and have faith in youself that you can be good and happy soon without him. Show him that the choice he made to leave you is wrong. ;)
    As Keyley said,we are always here for you. Be strong.

    Love,Abbie.

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  8. Carrie, how I wish I had words to make this all better for you! I can't begin to believe what is happening. I have read your journey from the start, and always had so much faith that you'd make everything work. You are such a beautiful, confident young woman, my heart is crying for you! I wish I had words...

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  9. and here I thought my boyfriend problems were tough :(
    I know it's hard, but at the very least he told you honestly what he felt. Nothing is worse than being lied to, except for maybe being the liar. I lied to my bf for months telling him that I loved him when I knew that I didn't mean it and had no idea what the hell "love" should be. I 'fessed up two weeks ago and while he is hurt, we are able to start our relationship back on the right, honest, path.
    So I know it's hard. But also remember how you would've felt if he told you six months from now that he hadn't loved you for six months and was just lying to you all that time.
    It will be better.

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  10. Oh dear sweet Carrie ... hugs, hugs, and more hugs. : (

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  11. Honey, you did nothing wrong. Keep repeating that to yourself and believe it.
    You are right -- it is like a death. So let yourself mourn. Lean on your friends. They sound like they are pretty incredible :)
    I am sending you lots of hugs from Kansas and scout sends you kitty kisses and snuggles :)

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  12. Oh Carrie :( I'm so sorry sweetheart, so so sorry.

    Sometimes we can't explain why the people we love do things and you might never know why Kyle has done this, but please don't blame yourself.

    I don't really know enough to say much more but I will say that all the strength that you had for the both of you, its still there for you - now is the time to focus on you and what you need... you've already given Kyle so much, maybe, after all your sacrifices its time to give yourself that much too.

    Sending you all the love and hugs you need x

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  13. oh god, i am so so so sorry, carrie. like everyone on here said, you have a great support system, and it's time for you to use it. lean on friends and family and fellow bloggers. write your way through this. you are an amazing person and deserve to have whatever is best for you. like others have said, use the strength you had in your relationship for you right now. sometimes i prefer to talk to people who are less involved in the whole thing, so if you ever need to talk, feel free to contact me. i wish i could make this easier for you.

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  14. The only thing I can say is that this is all on him. I know that there are two sides to every fight and situation and both people contribute but when he won't even give you the chance to change or fix something or even to understand the situation? That's so not cool. That's why I say it's all on him. I wonder also if it's an immaturity thing and a growing up and changing thing and you two are in two different places in life right now and he just now realized it? I know my words aren't helpful but I do truly feel for you. I am so sorry.....

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  15. Thank you, everyone! I can't tell you how much I value and appreciate all this love and support.

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