Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Strength

The date has been set for my next trip to Germany.  I'll be seeing Kyle in twenty-one short days.  Exactly three weeks.  It's not a long wait anymore.  In fact, I told someone recently that anything under one hundred days was cake.  Turns out cake isn't always that easy.

I completely lost it today.  I was sitting on the sofa with a text book open, trying to prepare for finals, and suddenly all the weight of these last three (closer to four) lonely months came crashing down on my shoulders and before I knew what was happening I was curled up in a ball crying harder than I have in a long time.

To be perfectly honest, I don't even know what brought it on.  One minute I was fine, and the next I was right back on the same roller-coaster track, plummeting fast.  It didn't make sense, but then what about this journey has?

All I know is that I miss Kyle.  I miss him so much it hurts, and it's not just today.  It doesn't only happen when I'm crying.  I miss him all the time, for every second of every day, and it always hurts.  Occasionally it catches up to me.  Apparently even now.  Even when I'm so close to the end of one more segment of this separation.  Even when I know that each day is one day closer, and that it's a day I need to treasure because I can't get it back.  Even when all those things are true, even when the world keeps spinning and thousands of faces pass unaware, it hurts.

And each momentary lapse, each time I feel myself slide a few feet backwards, reverting into that old pattern, I feel. so. weak.  It's awful.  So eventually, I pick myself up go at the day again, trying to fight off the last bits of the sadness in which I'm drowning.
 
But you know, I think I'm finally starting to see things a little differently.  After approximately thirteen months dealing with the not-so-great side of the Army (by which I mean, putting up with it stealing the most important element of my life) I've realized that strength does not mean you never cry.  It doesn't mean you're not afraid.  Strength is not about being "fine."  It doesn't mean that I'm not allowed to feel to the pain.

Strength is what happens after the crying.  It's what takes that little grain of fear inside your heart and tells it to scoot over, because there has to be room for hope too.   Strength is what makes us be able to take every last drop of that sadness, and then wipe our eyes, pick ourselves up, and carry on with what must be done.  So, no matter how many times I have to stop what I'm doing and cry, I know I'll always get back up afterward.  I love him.  I love him so much, and that's what makes me strong, even when I don't want to be.

Twenty-one days.  Almost there.  Almost back.  One breath in.  A tear hear and there.  And another breath out. 

17 comments:

  1. I absolutely loved this post, and I love your strength.

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  2. Every day is one day closer. To this trip. To the wedding. To Happily Ever After.

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  3. It's great that you only have 3 weeks. Hope the time flies until you're with your man! Stay strong, love!

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  4. could you imagine if you didn't cry?! OMG it would suck! all those tears and mixture of emotions would just stay bottled up...weighing on you daily. that would be miserable!

    sometimes you just gotta let it out and have a good cry. stay strong lady. xoxo

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  5. This is an amazing post. The last few days I've been struggling with my husband being gone. I've realized we've spent half of our first year being married apart. It hurts espically after I found out we'll be spending our one year anniversary apart most likely, but I just keep telling myself it's one day closer and that what he's doing right now is not only for me, but for everyone. I hope you enjoy your trip!

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  6. Carrie - you are spot on! Being strong is the manner in which you carry on. It is your grace; your grit and determination to keep moving when you feel like stopping. And yes, you can be in pain and react to feelings - and not be weak. Your spirit is strong Carrie and I admire how you stay the course. You know what you want and you are making it happen. So happy that you are heading out to Germany. Soon Carrie. Soon!

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  7. This was so powerful. You're so strong Carrie. The days will fly by!

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  8. I always found it harder towards the end, when I knew I would be seeing him really soon - its odd how these things work out. I've forgotten how many times I got overwhelmed and had a good old cry. You're right though, strength is what happens afterwards and the fact you can post about it is so refreshing. 21 days will be here in a flash! :)

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  9. Go girl.

    My favorite quote during absences:

    "You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!" -Rocky Balboa (it's a Philly thing, but still :)

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  10. Crystal: At this point, Kyle and I have been apart MORE than we've been together. We spent our first anniversary apart too. :(

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  11. omg i am going to iceland to stop that stupid volcano just to get YOU to germany. screw eveyone else!! three weeks...easy peasy! :)

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  12. Victoria: Funny you should mention that. I was talking to my mom about the volcano issues earlier. If I can't get a flight into Germany...I guess I'll just have to fly somewhere else on the continent and take buses and trains the rest of the way.

    Let there be no mistake. A volcano is no match for me when I'm feeling stubborn. ;)

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  13. You can do it!! :D

    PS: love the new way the pics are organized!!

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  14. Thanks, Molly! :) There's actually a "how-to" about the layout below. ;)

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  15. I feel like that every single day as well. I never stop missing Dustin either. It really sucks, but one day you and I are going to look back and say, "It was all worth it because I have you now." I just have to keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason.

    BTW..I Really love the picture of you two over <--- there. (the one with you smiling) its really cutee

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  16. Kayla, that's what I'm hoping for. Every second. ;) And, thank you!

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