Friday, February 19, 2010

Dear Kyle,

Today I feel restless.  I don't know what to do with myself.  It's been three days since I last heard from you, and already I'm terrified.  I shouldn't be.  I know where you are (kind of) and why you haven't called.  And yet that doesn't soothe the nervous twisting in my stomach.  I need to toughen up.  If I'm already so upset after three days, what will I do when you're out of touch for the five weeks of that ridiculously long training thing-a-majig that's coming up?  (Yes.  Ridiculous thing-a-majig.)

Lately I've been happy here.  I've been surrounded by my friends, immersed in my courses, and excited about most of my life.  I've even begun to consider enrolling for more classes next semester, but I know I won't in the end.  That would complicate our new plans for a fall wedding, and worse, it would prevent me from moving anytime soon.  The thing that's been scaring me is this:  knowing all of that, I didn't completely rule the idea out.  A tiny piece of me would love to stay and continue at Eastern.  A tinier piece wants to head straight into grad school afterward.  The rest of me is entirely apalled.

I love you.  I miss you.  I want so badly to be with you.  But around every corner are ten more obstacles.  ...or at least that's how it feels.  I think when you told me the wedding would have to be put off it triggered some sort of panic in me.  I had been going along pretending that this would work out perfectly:  that you'd come home and take me back with you, and that my school could pick up where it left off only one semester late when the move was complete.  I really thought it would work.  Alas, my perfect plan was interrupted and now I don't know what to do.  Do I put my whole life on a shelf?  Do I walk away from my old dreams, the only part of me that still belongs to myself, completely?  I don't see anymore compromises. 

I have reached the point where things become black and white.  I either go with you, or stay with me, if that makes sense.  I know that moving this fall doesn't mean that I'll never finish school.   It doesn't mean that there will never be time for me to have a career.  It just means I can't have either of those things on my terms.  It means that my goals will be coming second.  I thought I was fine with that until recently.

I'm not fine with it though.  I'm not just "okay" with walking away from what I've spent so long working toward.  It isn't fair for me to have to give up so much.  I see that now.  I understand what some people have been saying to me from the start.  Now that I really grasp the magnitude of what I'm doing, I am miserable.  It's like I'm in mourning for the life I'm watching slip through my fingers.  Yet earlier, while I was doing a bit of crying and a lot of thinking, I kept coming back to one thing:

I just wanted you there.  I wanted your shoulder to cry on.  I wanted you to tell me that we'll be okay.  I know what I am giving up.  I knew before, but I understand now, and it's harder than I thought.  Everything about this is so much harder than I thought it would be.  It's almost too hard, and it's frightening, but it isn't so difficult that I'm quitting.  I think I'm so miserable because you can't be here to help me through it.  I just don't know how to handle this gracefully...and I'm a complete mess. 

It's decision time, and the choice is already made.  It always has been.  Now it's just a question of whether I can move forward.  I know I can.  I have to.  I need to.  Parts of me are excited for it, but other parts are like a child clinging to her mother's skirt.  So I need you to be there.  I need you to be patient like you always have been, and I need you to keep telling me that I'm going to be okay, because I'm having a hard time convincing myself of that.  Most importantly, I need you to keep wanting me to be there with you as much as I do.  There isn't any room for uncertainty right now.

So, I am not re-enrolling next semester.  I am temporarily shelving my career path.  I am going to have to give up my student's office job.  I am most likely going to start waitressing again.  I am going to write until my heart is content.  I am going to learn to be the best baker this side of the Mississippi.  And I'm going to need to hear you say that you love me a little bit more than usual.

Still yours, forever and for always,
Carrie

15 comments:

  1. Carrie,
    What an honest expression of emotion. How brave! I guess I just don't see why you can't have it all - maybe just not all at once. Why not finish your beloved education and THEN marry Kyle and follow him to the end of the earth? Even then you will still be a young wife and mother. I don't see why you have to give up anything. You can both get your careers launched, and then your marriage. You could be joined in marriage as two complete, fully independent individuals; merging of two lives.

    I have always thought of marriage as three parties ... me, him and us (marriage). Marriage is all that much richer when each of the two is contented and satisfied - and fulfilling their own personal dreams as well as sharing the same path that is marriage. Your marriage will be stronger if you stay true to yourself first.

    I know this is a difficult time being apart from your fiance ... I admire that you are examining your choices and keeping an open mind.

    Hugs and love,
    Lyn

    ReplyDelete
  2. Lyn,

    I keep searching for that easy, compromising road out of this mess, but it just doesn't exist. It is an option for me to stay here, marry later, and then have the "us" part of my life...but if you saw me first hand on a day to day basis you'd understand how that isn't really possible.

    Much as I TRY to keep my head above water and carry on while he's away...I just can't. I am distracted, lonely, and unable to focus on anything school/career related. I have to leave classes almost every day to take phone calls from him because I have no way of knowing if that what he's calling to tell me isn't that he's deploying, or that something bad has happened. My grades suffer. I don't comprehend things as well because my mind is never solely devoted to my my studies.

    My friend Kylie says that I am an "emotional rollercoaster" all the time. ...and she's right. I'll be perfectly fine one moment, laughing and talking, and then something reminds me of how long it will be until Kyle and I are together again and I am a sobbing mess.

    It's a battle to keep it together every second that we are apart. ...so really? Really my staying wouldn't help any.

    I just detest that things can't happen in a way that satisfies Kyle and I BOTH. :/

    Thanks always for the advice, support and love! :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. You're not giving up anything. You're just not able to see it objectively like the rest of us reading it. Many people have been through this waiting game. It feels like you're stuck and you're going to explode at any minute if things don't change. You'll survive it. We all do. While you're feeling sorry for yourself consider doing volunteer work. If you can't concentrate on your classes, think about listening and doing things for other people that could use your help now. It's a great learning experience and something you can put on your resume in the future. Chin up girl. We're all on your side.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Julie, I love it that you're brutally honest with me. :) It does me good.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Your life is on hold and that is scary. especially when you don;t know when you can get it on some kind of track. I hated not knowing when i could marry my husband and then after the wedding, not knowing how soon I could join his here in Kansas.

    On the other hand, my struggle was not with giving anything up for myself as I did not have a career I particularly liked. My struggle was when i got here and began to learn that my life and what i do is a reflection on his him and can affect his army career. That was scary because I was only ever responsible for myself and my jobs were separate from my life, but now his job and our lives were intertwined. It took some getting used to.

    Waiting is always hard. It sounds like you handle it well, Carrie, by keeping busy and pursuing your interests and leaning on friends. However, you are going to have those moments of uncertainty and feeling like you can't do it and that it is too hard. That's normal. Allow yourself time for a pity party and then move on :) It's all completely normal for a military spouse :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. I hope you hear from him soon. I know it's a big deal to give up things that you've always and to put them on hold for someone else, but sometimes that's what you have to do when you love someone.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Love of mine,

    I don't fully understand how you are feeling because I'm not in your shoes. I know that my love for you runs deeper than a few spoken words, soft hugs, and warm kisses. You know I'm not good at expressing my emotions all the time, for that I apologize. I love you, Queen. I just want to make you happy. Whether it be you staying to finish out your college or coming to Germany. Either way my love for you will remain consistent. Until we take action, or make an important decision together I will be waiting for you. Always.

    ~Kyle :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm sorry. It's a tough thing to consider. And its a tough life to live. It was easier for me to be excited and pick up and leave because I didn't have anything. I was ready to start over wherever he would be. I can understand how hard it would be if you had things to leave behind.

    If my husband were to re-enlist into the military right now, I would feel how you feel. And its something that tugs at you and you constantly wonder if you're making the right choice... but like you said, you knew what it would be like. But sometimes, I think that just makes it all the more harder.

    Also, how cute is the comment he left you? My husband never leaves me comments in public and if he does its always "you stink, I can smell you from here" LOL!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh wow this was a very tough and heart felt post--my first day at your blog---but his comment back to you almost made me cry. Awww..aint love grande!

    Anyhooo-I am now following your lovely blog. Hope you will come by and if you likey, you will follow me back as well. Juliana from A Blonde Walks Into a Blog.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Well ladies, that's Kyle for you. Just when I think I'm going to drown he comes along and swoops me back up. :)

    Robyn, I'm glad you commented today. :) You never fail to tell me exactly the things I need to hear...like that freaking out is normal for an Army wife. lol.

    Marie, while I'm glad I had the goals I did, and I'm happy to have school as a distraction right now...sometimes I really wish I were just drifting. It would really change my outlook on the whole situation.

    Juliana, welcome! :) Glad to have you on board. It's a great first day for you, lol. Kyle very rarely responds to anything on here. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Carrie,

    Being a totally objective third party, I cannot understand why you cannot have it all? Your education clearly means a lot to you, as does Kyle. But your fiancée himself says he will stick by your side no matter what…so what’s the problem? Why can’t you marry later? I know, I know, you can’t focus in school, life’s unbearable, etc., etc., but even if you and Kyle tie the not, Kyle isn’t going to/can never be with you 24/7 (especially because he’s an army guy.) Marriage is not going to cure your lovesickness. You’ll probably be more listless and districted then than you are now (if not more.) Moreover, yes, you might be an “emotional rollercoaster” right now, but I mean, most eighteen to twenty-somethings college kids are, aren’t they. And seeing as I’m an 18 year-old college freshman myself, I can say this with some authority.
    Maybe I’m the idyllic one, but shouldn’t a soul mate or whatever help you achieve your highest potential…not keep you from it? And Kyle, I am by no means blaming you. You are clearly willing to do whatever it takes to make Carrie happy, but still… Carrie, I’m probably totally wide of the mark, but I think perhaps your biggest obstacle to attaining a college education (which is unarguably crucial to an aspiring writer, or anything for that matter in this economy) is yourself. I mean, you’d never want Kyle to give up his hopes and dreams for you, right?
    Girl, don’t let your all-consuming love hold you from any potential you may have, but let it inspire you to complete your education without delay. And sleep soundly knowing your man isn’t going anywhere, but amazing enough to let you live your dreams while he lives his.

    Now go show the world what you’re made of girlfriend!

    P.S. I know you can always return to your schoolwork, but studies show most college dropouts don’t…Please don’t misunderstand me. I’m not writing you off as another statistic, just saying that you could very well become one.

    - A kid.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Carrie,
    This was lovely to read. While I'm not in an Army-civilian relationship, mine is still long distance. And while my boyfriend knows everything about me, he doesn't always know what I want to say to him. I admire you for being able to write your words to him on paper, all of them honest, and know that he will read them. I also admire your courage for being in your situation, never knowing what is going to happen. Something that might help: Lately I've been thinking of my life as a sort of timeline, where everything is pretty much set in stone already. I may not know what is coming next, but whatever is coming will come, and there isn't anything I can do to stop it, I just have to deal with the next thing on my plate, you know? It's kind of zen in a way.
    Carrie, I know it's hard, but you have to keep all options open, because you never know what is going to happen. Kyle is a good fiance, and will wait for you as long as necessary. So, like Lyn said, if you want to finish school, go for it, girl! It's hard to start up again after you've taken a break, so just do what you want to do. I'm sure Kyle will do anything for you.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I'm looking at your situation from the outside therefore it's easier for me to say finish school first then join him because if you and Kyle's love is true love he will be there waiting for you. It seems to me that you getting your degree is also important.
    To find the real answer to your question is to look deep in your heart and you will find it.

    ReplyDelete
  14. my boyfriend leaves for afghanistan in may...i'm about to link arms with you, then? hope you're doing well!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Shanley, thanks for the comment! :) I suppose we are in the same boat. It's always less frightening when you're not in it alone. ;)

    ReplyDelete

Each comment you leave donates one smile to my day.
Thanks so much for letting me know what you think.