Today I feel restless. I don't know what to do with myself. It's been three days since I last heard from you, and already I'm terrified. I shouldn't be. I know where you are (kind of) and why you haven't called. And yet that doesn't soothe the nervous twisting in my stomach. I need to toughen up. If I'm already so upset after three days, what will I do when you're out of touch for the five weeks of that ridiculously long training thing-a-majig that's coming up? (Yes. Ridiculous thing-a-majig.)
Lately I've been happy here. I've been surrounded by my friends, immersed in my courses, and excited about most of my life. I've even begun to consider enrolling for more classes next semester, but I know I won't in the end. That would complicate our new plans for a fall wedding, and worse, it would prevent me from moving anytime soon. The thing that's been scaring me is this: knowing all of that, I didn't completely rule the idea out. A tiny piece of me would love to stay and continue at Eastern. A tinier piece wants to head straight into grad school afterward. The rest of me is entirely apalled.
I love you. I miss you. I want so badly to be with you. But around every corner are ten more obstacles. ...or at least that's how it feels. I think when you told me the wedding would have to be put off it triggered some sort of panic in me. I had been going along pretending that this would work out perfectly: that you'd come home and take me back with you, and that my school could pick up where it left off only one semester late when the move was complete. I really thought it would work. Alas, my perfect plan was interrupted and now I don't know what to do. Do I put my whole life on a shelf? Do I walk away from my old dreams, the only part of me that still belongs to myself, completely? I don't see anymore compromises.
I have reached the point where things become black and white. I either go with you, or stay with me, if that makes sense. I know that moving this fall doesn't mean that I'll never finish school. It doesn't mean that there will never be time for me to have a career. It just means I can't have either of those things on my terms. It means that my goals will be coming second. I thought I was fine with that until recently.
I'm not fine with it though. I'm not just "okay" with walking away from what I've spent so long working toward. It isn't fair for me to have to give up so much. I see that now. I understand what some people have been saying to me from the start. Now that I really grasp the magnitude of what I'm doing, I am miserable. It's like I'm in mourning for the life I'm watching slip through my fingers. Yet earlier, while I was doing a bit of crying and a lot of thinking, I kept coming back to one thing:
I just wanted you there. I wanted your shoulder to cry on. I wanted you to tell me that we'll be okay. I know what I am giving up. I knew before, but I understand now, and it's harder than I thought. Everything about this is so much harder than I thought it would be. It's almost too hard, and it's frightening, but it isn't so difficult that I'm quitting. I think I'm so miserable because you can't be here to help me through it. I just don't know how to handle this gracefully...and I'm a complete mess.
It's decision time, and the choice is already made. It always has been. Now it's just a question of whether I can move forward. I know I can. I have to. I need to. Parts of me are excited for it, but other parts are like a child clinging to her mother's skirt. So I need you to be there. I need you to be patient like you always have been, and I need you to keep telling me that I'm going to be okay, because I'm having a hard time convincing myself of that. Most importantly, I need you to keep wanting me to be there with you as much as I do. There isn't any room for uncertainty right now.
So, I am not re-enrolling next semester. I am temporarily shelving my career path. I am going to have to give up my student's office job. I am most likely going to start waitressing again. I am going to write until my heart is content. I am going to learn to be the best baker this side of the Mississippi. And I'm going to need to hear you say that you love me a little bit more than usual.
Still yours, forever and for always,