Friday, January 15, 2010

Wedding Update #2

This wedding is the most difficult part of my life right now, and it is not for any of the reasons you would suspect.  I haven't had any problems finding my dress, choosing my bridesmaids, picking a location, or deciding what flowers I'd like.  In fact, I haven't had any problems with the details.

I haven't had any problems with the planning because I can't start planning at all. 

There has been a mix up with Kyle's leave, and now I can't even be sure that he is coming home for the wedding this summer.  Since I can't very well have the ceremony without the groom, this complicates things.  I can't begin planning until I know when and if he can come home, and if I do not begin planning, I won't have enough time to put together the huge event we anticipated. 

I have about three options as far as I can tell:

Option A -- If things work out so that Kyle can come home, I can always slap together a ceremony in a crunch.  It might not be the ceremony I have always invisioned, but the important thing is that we are married.  So long as that happens, I'll go home happy at the end of the day.

Option B -- If things do not work out, and Kyle can't come home this summer, I could theoretically fly back to Germany with a few family members in tow and have the ceremony there.  This would allow us to move ahead on our current timeline, and have me moving over towards the middle to end of this summer, but it would also mean that a lot of our friends and family wouldn't be able to be at the wddding. 

Option C -- This one really isn't an option at all.  I could postpone the wedding until sometime late this year, or possibly early next.  That would give me more time to plan, and would ensure that everyone we care about could be in attendence.  However, I think that this is out of the question.  I cannot postpone moving anymore than I already have.  ...I don't want to be without him now, let alone for another whole year.  It also complicates my college plan.  I'm supposed to be transferring to UMUC after the current semester.  Postponing the wedding and my move postpones when I can re-enter college.  That is not something I want to worry about.  Transferring at all is going to make me graduate later, and the longer I am out of school the longer it will take me to finish.

I am more frustrated than I have been in a long time.  I have so many things to do, so much to organize, but I can't.  I can't book photographers or commision a cake or go shopping with my bridesmaids for their dresses.  I don't even know which of my bridesmaids will be able to make it to the wedding if I have to move it across an ocean.

...What exactly am I supposed to do in this situation?  Any of you ladies had this problem?  What did you do?

26 comments:

  1. Oh sweetheart! I can't even imagine! I am in my own wedding planning hell right now...but mostly that's because in the end...most things are done at the last minute. Talk to your venue/church/caterer and explain your situation...they might be really understanding. We've had problems with visas and having to wait to set things in stone and everyone we are dealing with has been really accommodating. Just try to not pay any deposits until you really have to...We've got 7 weeks to go and only just paid our reception deposit 2 weeks ago....

    and hey, worse comes to worse you have a lovely intimate service on the base in germany and have a big party when Kyle can come home!

    Chin up! xo

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  2. I didn't have this problem, Carrie, but I can tell you that I planned my wedding in 5 months and it worked out perfectly. So don't panic when the wedding magazines talk about what you have to do a year before your date - make it fit your timeline, whatever that ends up being.

    And, remember to spend time on the things that will be most important to you when you look back and remember the day. Do only the things that matter the most to make it a special day for you and Kyle. And yes, if you end up doing it in Germany, have a party when you're both back in the US together, as Victoria suggested.

    Good luck. Hang in there!

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  3. I say go with Option A... maybe have a "surprise wedding" disguised as a welcome home for Kyle? Have a big back yard BBQ type thing with your closest friends and family and "surprise" them with an "impromptu" wedding? =) You don't need to have anything fancy-fancy.... just those people who are the most important in your lives.

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  4. Whatever you decide will be the best. My married friends have all told me that they hardly even remember their wedding day. And in the end, that's all it is: a day. The marriage is what counts, and that will last a lifetime. Congrats again! I couldn't be more excited for you!

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  5. All great advice, ladies. And thank you.

    Brittney: Having a surprise wedding would indeed be a fitting payback for him since he had me throw my own surprise engagement party. lol.

    rsparks: ...true. Very true.

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  6. My husband was in Iraq while I planned our wedding. If you let your vendors know your situation, they should be able to add something to your contract that says you can change the date w/o penalty if your husbands schedule changes b/c of the military. That way you can still plan your dream wedding and if he can't come home, you can go get married over there if you want and then just change the date of your "big" wedding! HTH

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  7. Jes: That would be ideal, actually. :)

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  8. Oh Carrie, I obviously have no advice to give to you on wedding arrangements, but I do hope all goes well. And just like you said, getting married is the key, not so much the wedding. Alex and Mina over at ... Sending Postcards has a wedding with no guests, just the two of them. I think that's incredibly romantic!

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  9. Iida: Were this whole thing ONLY about me...I don't think I'd have such a problem with eloping in Germany. I mean, I find it romantic as well.

    It's the fact that I know my family will be disappointed that makes me so miserable. :/

    But thanks for the well wishes. :)

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  10. I think a small ceremony with close family and friends in Germany sounds like a beautiful and romantic option and quite frankly, the only one that will ensure your future moves ahead as planned. Like you said, at the end of the day, the only thing that will truly matter is that you two are married.

    I agree 100% with having a reception back in the states. Alternatively, you could always renew your vows a few years down the road and have everyone you've ever dreamed of attend. =)

    Keep your chin up! It will all work out the way it is intended to.

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  11. First off, the most important part of any wedding is the bride and the groom. As long as the two of you are together, none of the other details matter. The party is fun, and it's wonderful to be surounded by loved ones on that special day - but that's all secondary!

    Make sure whatever you decide is what is best for you and Kyle. No one else truly matters. (You're not going to please everyone anyway!).

    So this next bit of advice is truly unlike me to say, but here goes... Pray on it and search your heart. The right answer will be whatever you are most comfortable with.

    And what other people have said about planning in a short time frame is absolutely right. You don't need a year. All you need is an optimistic outlook and a lot of patience!

    Sending you lots of love and luck!!

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  12. Oh, what a shame! What you are going through sounds very hard. I don't know what advice to give you, but like everyone else here has said, it's the lifetime of marriage that means more than one silly day. In the scheme of things, that one day is almost nothing compared to the life that you two will spend together. I know every girl wants to have a fairy-tale wedding, but things don't always work out as we had originally hoped for. I wish you nothing but the best and I'll be praying for you and Kyle!

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  13. O.k...here's my 2 cents. I threw my wedding together in 3 weeks. 20 people at a friend's very pretty house. Friends made all the food. I did my own flowers. I had the nice dress and he wore a very nice suit. Is Kyle going to wear his military uniform? And friends photographed and filmed everything.

    A) Let everyone know the position you're in and what could they help you with instead of a wedding present.
    B) Go to Germany and get that husband. Small ceremony. Have someone get video or stick the darn thing on a tripod. Come back to the U.S. and have the big reception, wear your dress, and have a showing of the ceremony.

    It really is small stuff. You'll know what you can live with in the end.

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  14. Julie: Three weeks?!?! You've just become my hero. Lol.

    Yes, Kyle is going to wear his uniform as of now. We thought it would be best even if he COULD come home on leave b/c it would save time for fittings and such.

    If this wedding can happen here at home, I'm sure I will have tons of help from our families and friends. I know I won't have time to book a caterer, so they've already been notified that we'll be doing A LOT of cooking. Lol. I'm hoping that flowers could be purchased locally on short-ish notice... I'm sure it'll work out. It's just completely overwhelming right now.

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  15. No need to thank me, your blog is amazing :)

    I had the same problem when I was planning my wedding. My fiance was in Air Force Basic Training while I was planning it and there were so many complications for me because I wasnt sure EXACTLY when and how long his exodus was going to be. Everything else went fine. Finding the favors, the dress, etc etc. It was just the timing that stressed me out.

    In the end he ended up getting discharged for medical reasons so the date I originally wanted, I got. If I hadnt, my only other choice was to postpone the wedding or slap something together FAST and hope that everyone could make it. Its difficult when the military is involved.

    But I do hope that things work out for you! If it looks like he's not gonna be home for the summer, I would say postpone it. Over planning is always better than under planning, its your wedding! :)

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  16. Okay, here is my experience. TJ went into the army in May 2005 and we got engaged before that. he was stationed at Fort riley in October 2005 and they were all told they would be deploying in december. they even packed up the connex(or whatever they are called) boxes to ship over there. Everyone took block leave at thanksgiving and we planned on getting married the day after Thanksgiving. Well, his sergeants scared, I mean talked, him out of it. They told him that if he did when he came back they would be scrambling to get all the paperwork done and that was time they should be using to prepare to deploy. My husband was struggling as it was and did not want to upset anyone so he wanted to postpone the wedding and we did. They were also telling him he would be kicked out of the barracks(which only would have happened if they needed the room for a single soldier) Turned out that these people knew ALL ALONG they were not going to deploy in December. So we postponed for nothing and I was livid(this was just the tip of the iceberg of what was wrong with this unit, but I will not get into it here).

    Anyway, at that point we did not know when he would get leave again so I could not set a date. I think it was finally in March 2006 when they said he could come in July around the holiday so I scheduled it for July 3rd. I felt that would work because they would be off for the holiday anyway so it would not be taking away from their training time (deployment was now scheduled for October). Later it was decided that block leave would be in June, but they let him come home in July, begrudgingly. So we were married July 3rd. i was at the point where I was ready to just got to Kansas and get married at the courthouse and then force them to deal with it!! Looking back, we should have just done that and then got the ball rolling on paperwork and getting on the housing waiting list etc, while planning a religious ceremony in Florida. Our friends actually did that this past summer -- married in May out here at the reverend's house(my husband and I were witnesses) and then had their big wedding in Rhode Island in June.

    My advice is to wait until he can get his leave straightened out to set a date. Do the other things in the meantime like favors and centerpieces, etc. I also saw that some people have suggested letting vendors know your situation -- excellent idea!!
    If you decide to go with option B, maybe when you guys visit home at that time you can have another ceremony and party for family and friends. I know what it is like to just want to be with him and start your married life. Even after we married it was about a month later until I came to Kansas(because he had to wait till we got our BAH to start looking for housing).

    Let me know of you have any questions. If I can't answer them i can maybe find people who can!!

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  17. Shame girl, hope everything works out well for you. Just dropped in to tell you there is an award waiting for you on my blog :)

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  18. Just wanted to let you know that there's an award for you on my site. : )

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  19. Maggie and I were married within a month of deciding to. We just had close family and sorted out the food and stuff ourselves. Total cost was less than $150 all in.

    And we've been married happily for over 14 years now :)

    Your wedding day will be special no matter what you do. You could be dressed in rags and be eating a Chinese as the wedding supper, on the corner of the street outside the takeaway and it would still make a great story to remember and pass on to the kids :)

    Fly to Germany - the wedding is about the 2 of you, not everyone else, and you can always organise a mega party for your 1st anniversary and invite everyone who wasn't able to make it to the wedding

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  20. Robyn: Thanks for sharing your story! It really is a help to know how others in my shoes handled this. I'm glad you guys got your second wedding date, anyhow! It would have been awful to have to postpone it again.

    Pixie Dust & C: Thank you!! :) I'll add those to my next awards post.

    Kim: An anniversary reception? I hadn't even thought about that. It's actually a pretty great idea... And you're right, flying off to another country for a wedding would definitely be a story to tell the kids. ;)

    The photos are incredible! I can't imagine putting my nearly $1000 dress under water...but kudos to that adventurous bride. Lol.

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  21. If you do end up getting married in Germany you could still have a big wedding party when you get back to the US. my friends got married in Sri Lanka, just the two of them and then had a party for friends and family when they got back - cake, dress, favours, first dance, the works :)

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  22. What a tough thing to be going through, Carrie! As if you didn't already have enough on your plate! I'm so sorry the wedding plans aren't... going, at all.

    My best advice to you is just to remember it's YOUR wedding. The day is for your and Kyle and the love between you. Any and all decisions should be based on that. Hopefully the decisions become easier!

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  23. Well Carrie here is my two cents worth of advice. Don't worry about it! Now I know that sounds kinda ....well...hard....but my philosophy is that everything will work out and it will always be for the better. Every time I have an issue come up I just kinda step back and let the bricks fall where they may and it always seems to work out, of course none of my issues have ever been a wedding but none the less this same strategy can work for you. When ever something is out of your hands simple say "hey there is nothing I can do sooooo I'm going to just sit back and not worry about because what will worrying and fretting get you when there is nothing you can do to change the situation...nothing. So worrying about is not worth it. This prolly doesn't make any sense sooooo if you need a in-person explaination let me know lol...Otherwise keep your chin up and don't worry about it, everything ALWAYS seems to work out for the better if you step back and allow it to.

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  24. Hey Carrie,
    I know that this is being posted late so I'm not sure you'll actually even read this (do people check their back postings for new comments???), but I was out of town when you posted it. I thought I'd comment because I was in a similar situation. My fiance needed a visa and there was no guarantee when he'd get it or when he'd come, so I couldn't go ahead with planning. I thought things out a lot - do I plan a wedding and hope he's here, do I wait and plan it at the last minute, do we just have a courthouse wedding, etc. In the end I decided to plan it at the end - he just arrived and our wedding is 27 March. My suggestions to you would be:

    A) Have a destination wedding and get married in Germany. A TON of people do it and you'd be surprised how many people will go. My sister had a destination wedding in Mexico and it was beautiful and 40 people came. If you wanted, you could have a reception back home, but neither my sister nor me did this (it was just two price and like planning two weddings). My wedding is destination but still in the US - however, my good friends are willing to save the money and travel.

    B) Plan the wedding at the last minute. My cousin was moving to Singapore and she had to plan her wedding in ONE WEEK. It turned out so wonderful - better than she ever imagined. It was perfect and even if your wedding doesn't turn out perfectly, it will still be beautiful and special.

    So, those are my ideas. I think a wedding in Germany sounds so romantic and fun - even if not every single person you wanted can make it, I'm sure some will and it will be special. Or, a last minute wedding can still be perfect too.

    Hope it works out!! Let me know if I can help.

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  25. Kattrina: Thank you for sharing this! :) I am beginning to love the idea of a destination wedding. It seems like so much less work, and would insure that the guest list doesn't get out of control. Lol.

    And of course I check old comments! Lol. I set comment moderation for posts older than three days so that I am guarunteed to see new ones. ;)

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