I've been putting this post off for a while. I can't seem to find the perfect way to tell you about what happened in Germany, or to explain how I feel now that I am back home again. This is the best I can manage:
I feel like everything has changed. After two days of flying (many many delays) I finally made my way through customs and back into his arms. It was the best feeling in the world. In the instant that it took for that first embrace to close I felt every stress melt away. Suddenly all of my at-home fears were gone, and all that mattered was that we were together. College, jobs, wedding planning, apartment bills...it was all unimportant. I didn't want to think about anything even remotely related to things at "home."
In fact, I only made about five phone calls home total in the ten days I was away. It drove my family insane. But I couldn't help it. I was living in the moment, in complete bliss, and I wasn't willing to split my focus for anything.
We didn't travel much, and we only left post twice, but I was perfectly content just so long as he was near me. And he was. From the moment I met him at the airport, for every second that he wasn't working, we were never more than five feet apart. We were inseperable. That wasn't something I expected, but it was something for which I was grateful. I'd expected him to hold me at a distance...but he didn't and it was such a relief. All I wanted to do was hold on to him for as long as I could. And longer, actually. I didn't want to come home.
It was so wonderful to be there -- to step into the life of my future for a while. Being with him...it makes me feel at ease. Comfortable. Like I was finally at home. Like I was where I belong after years of drifting. The people I met couldn't have been any more welcoming, and nothing was as terrifying as I thought it might be. I realized that I have nothing to fear at all, and now I just want to go back. I have a niche there...a purpose. Someone to care for.
Now that I'm home, nothing feels the same. It feels like this is the foreign place. I cannot wait until my time here, my time without Kyle, is over. Being gone did make me realize how much I'll miss everyone else, and it is awful, but missing them is much easier than missing him. Missing him leaves me feeling empty and scared. Missing them makes me realize that I am lucky to have so many people who love me. Maybe that's a little selfish, but that's how it makes me feel, and I can't help that. And having been there with him, having a better idea of what my life will be like, I am more anxious then ever to step into it. I want to leave so badly. I want out of Richmond. Out of Kentucky. Out of this continent. Out. Out, out, out. And into something better.
God. I want to just tell you all about my trip. I want to tell you about all the tender, sweet moments we shared. I want to share the reunion, and the things he said to me before I left that made it easier, but I can't right now. It just hurts. It hurts every morning I wake up and realize I'm not there anymore. And I need this set of memories for myself right now...to get me by until next time.