Monday, January 11, 2010

Hiding Out

I've been putting this post off for a while.  I can't seem to find the perfect way to tell you about what happened in Germany, or to explain how I feel now that I am back home again.  This is the best I can manage:

I feel like everything has changed.  After two days of flying (many many delays) I finally made my way through customs and back into his arms.  It was the best feeling in the world.  In the instant that it took for that first embrace to close I felt every stress melt away.  Suddenly all of my at-home fears were gone, and all that mattered was that we were together.  College, jobs, wedding planning, apartment bills...it was all unimportant.  I didn't want to think about anything even remotely related to things at "home."

In fact, I only made about five phone calls home total in the ten days I was away.  It drove my family insane.  But I couldn't help it.  I was living in the moment, in complete bliss, and I wasn't willing to split my focus for anything. 

We didn't travel much, and we only left post twice, but I was perfectly content just so long as he was near me.  And he was.  From the moment I met him at the airport, for every second that he wasn't working, we were never more than five feet apart.  We were inseperable.  That wasn't something I expected, but it was something for which I was grateful.  I'd expected him to hold me at a distance...but he didn't and it was such a relief.  All I wanted to do was hold on to him for as long as I could.  And longer, actually.  I didn't want to come home.

It was so wonderful to be there -- to step into the life of my future for a while.  Being with him...it makes me feel at ease.  Comfortable.  Like I was finally at home.  Like I was where I belong after years of drifting.  The people I met couldn't have been any more welcoming, and nothing was as terrifying as I thought it might be.  I realized that I have nothing to fear at all, and now I just want to go back.  I have a niche there...a purpose.  Someone to care for.   

Now that I'm home, nothing feels the same.  It feels like this is the foreign place.  I cannot wait until my time here, my time without Kyle, is over.  Being gone did make me realize how much I'll miss everyone else, and it is awful, but missing them is much easier than missing him.  Missing him leaves me feeling empty and scared.  Missing them makes me realize that I am lucky to have so many people who love me.  Maybe that's a little selfish, but that's how it makes me feel, and I can't help that.  And having been there with him, having a better idea of what my life will be like, I am more anxious then ever to step into it.  I want to leave so badly.  I want out of Richmond.  Out of Kentucky.  Out of this continent.  Out.  Out, out, out.  And into something better.

God.  I want to just tell you all about my trip.  I want to tell you about all the tender, sweet moments we shared.  I want to share the reunion, and the things he said to me before I left that made it easier, but I can't right now.  It just hurts.  It hurts every morning I wake up and realize I'm not there anymore.  And I need this set of memories for myself right now...to get me by until next time.

18 comments:

  1. This is..beyond sweet. And amazing.

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  2. Gosh, I miss being head over heels in love.

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  3. Hang in there! You only have a little while longer until you're done for the year with school.

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  4. I can't think of anything good to say, but it feels wrong to say nothing, so....well, I'm here, reading, and following you along.

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  5. Well, you take all the time you need. This is quite sweet enough for the moment.

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  6. Don't let this offend you, as it is easier said than done. But try to not let the pain of missing the one you love consume you as it can tarnish the moments between yourself, friends, and family. I say it not to be judgemental but from experience. I was so head over heels in love that I pushed everyone else aside and life is no longer as it was and I can't go back and relive those moments I should have once relished with the other people in my life. Just some food for thought. Again, I mean it in a helpful way. Sometimes turning a negative into a positive helps to balance us out : ). Best wishes.

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  7. Awww love is a powerful emotion. Hang on to it!

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  8. This is so sweet! I hope that you and Kyle have many years of happiness and love ahead of you :-)

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  9. I love you to tiny pieces, and I always will as long as you guard my brother's heart. So, if you were to do something completely irrational like fly over spring break and get hitched to speed up this whole process... I wouldn't be too upset for too long. I'm not encouraging... I just know we're so much a like and that's what I'd be thinking...

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  10. This is so wonderful. I'm so glad you had a great time, and I'm sure you have many great years ahead of you!
    love, Sophia

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  11. Hi, its my first time here, but I just wanted to say what you wrote really moved me. :) I think you put it perfectly, that missing them is much easier than missing him. You'll be back with him before you know it. :)

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  12. Thank you, everyone, for the support. As always, it is much appreciated. :)

    This Little Girl Dreams -- I'm not offended at all. And you're absolutely right. It would be better to soak up the time I have left with my family, and I fight very hard to do that. But some days it's just impossible to push the sadness aside again. After a while, it's exhausting to try and force myself to be "okay." Your point is noted though, and trying to stay positive is a constant battle in my day-to-day.

    Courtney -- I know you know exactly how much I'd love that right about now. But I don't think I'd be able to convince him to go through with it. :/

    Ashley -- Thanks for following! Nice to have you on board. And thank you also for the kind words. Those mean a lot. :)

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  13. If you were to decide to give him a call and tell him exactly how miserable I am without him, without sparing him the reality like I do...I wouldn't mind at all. :D

    And if you were use your sisterly influence to get him on board with the plan...

    I might owe you whatever desserts you want for the rest of our lives. ;)

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  14. That was the sweetest post, Carrie. I can so relate to what you wrote. That's exactly how I feel whenever I return home from visiting my fiance. It's as though the place you've always thought of as being home suddenly stops being home

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  15. If I had read this post only eight months ago, I honestly believe I wouldn't have understood. But now, now I'm with HIM and this post touched my heart. Do your best to enjoy your life as it is now and good luck in your new life with the man of your dreams.

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  16. I guess I'm the old lady on here. Glad you got back before I became so old and kicked the bucket. A)You've got a wedding with your whole family planned. B)You're pouting because you can't have your man right now! C)Patience makes the heart grow fonder D)Make everything right with everyone here before you leave. E)I bet something will happen that will make you so happy you did come back and wait it out. F)Everyone gets that feeling of being out of place when they come back from vacation.

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  17. Julie, you're absolutely right about all of it. A few responses:

    A) Yes, I do have a wedding to think about. But if this wedding can even happen or not has yet to be discovered as we don't yet know if Kyle will even be able to come home for it this summer.

    B) Of course I'm pouting. I just came home from a trip on which I was the happiest I've been in a long time. Pouting is a neccessary part of the grieving process. ;)

    C) This is true. And proven.

    E) Actually, I just found out my best friend is pregnant with her second child. I am kind of glad I'll be around to meet the new addition to her family. :)

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