Thursday, April 30, 2009

so... boyfriends heading off to Germany.

It's where he wanted to go from the start.
I'm just relieved it's not somewhere that's being bombed currently.
Woo! for small blessings.

The better news is that I didn't recieve this news in a letter...He called again. It was no less wonderful than the last time. I love that boy more than I can tell you.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Today's to-do list:

-Eng 301 paper
-Eng 302 readings
-2 take home Philosophy Exams
-take home Philosophy Final
-Math review
-History readings
-Yearbook proofing for Ms. Kash
-Kyle's letter for the day
-start packing for move-out day

If all of these things take about an hour, and I do them all consecutively without stopping for food, then I'll be done by 1:00am. (Classes until 3:15pm.) I don't think it's all going to happen. To be honest, I really don't care. I can only manage so much... The rest is just going to have to wait.

And food is going to take precedence over eveything. I am STARVING!

Monday, April 27, 2009


He called!
He called!
He called!
He called!
He called!
He called!
He called!
He called!
He called!

I could go on for ages. I could give you the most detailed, heart-wrenching description in the world. But you still wouldn't understand the's bittersweet and blissful and full of longing and painful and all of those things at once.

It's overwhelming.
And I'm not even going to attempt to put it into words.

But I will say one more time:

Thursday, April 23, 2009


it doesn't stretch only forwards.
it blankets what came before as well.
it adds an element of destiny,
of inevitability -- everything in history leading up to it.
nothing can stop it:
we are both the blessed and the helpless,
and both at once.
it charts its own course,
and hides the map,
and we are along for the ride...
for better or worse,
for the joy and the pain
(but mostly the joy),
for whatever it has in store.
all because my "i love you"
wasn't for today,
wasn't for tomorrow,
and wasn't for the next five years.
it really is Forever.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009


Just sometimes, I feel like I'm working backwards.

I came to college to learn and instead I end up questioning everything. It's just a little bit reversed from what I expected. It's not neccessarily a bad thing. It just leaves me really out of the loop. They bring us into this place as trusting little freshmen, and spit us out at the end of the year as skeptics: unlikely to accept anything with out quite a good deal of knowledge to back it up...even if it's a belief we've held all our lives.

Something Very True:

I am a military girlfriend. I hold no formal recognition with the powers that be. I am at the bottom of the chain. I hold no Military ID card, I am not a “dependent” or a parent. The man I love may face unspeakable dangers, and I am at the mercy of those who possess this recognition for news. I understand this and accept this.

I am a military girlfriend. I have promised to be here for him upon his return, no matter how long he is away. People may say I am insane for making such a commitment with no guarantees, but I hold onto our promises and have faith that he will come home safe to me. I know full well that my love for him fuels him in the worst of times.

I am a military girlfriend. There is no ring on my finger that symbolizes our commitment. I hope every day that he will be able to call, because a simple 30-second phone call can bring the greatest spectrum of emotions… smiling with tears in my eyes from so much joy and pain. My relationship is based on a brief communication where “I love you and I’m okay” speaks more than volumes and gives me the strength to keep going.

I am a military girlfriend. I take no moment of spent together for granted. I hold onto every touch, caress, kiss, every word. I have memorized the feel of his skin, his smell, the sound of his voice, and I play it over and over in my mind so that I will not forget. I cry myself to sleep some nights because missing him hurts so badly, but wake up the next morning, brush myself off, and start a new day.

I am a military girlfriend. The events of the next several months hold my life, my love, and my future in the balance. When you watch the news reports, you may turn away and go about your business relatively unaffected. When I watch news stories of the war, I do not see nameless soldiers a half a world away. I see individuals who will be forever changed by war. News of every casualty causes me physical pain and deep sadness, and tears beyond my control.

I am a military girlfriend, not a spouse or family member. When you say your prayers for the wives, mothers, and fathers, please don’t forget about me.

I found this, and identified with almost all of it. I miss him more than anything, but thinking of him gets me through my days, and I honestly think that thinking of me helps him too.

The promises we've made each other are all we have to go on. We aren't married. We aren't engaged. The only guaruntee we have from each other is the immense love that we share. I never doubt it, but sometimes it seems a very fragile treasure.

I had to leave my history class today. We were discussing the Civil War, and somehow every soldiers face became his. I couldn't bear it. I ran out.

I can't stand the gaps between his letters. Those pages are the only communication I have from him. It's hard. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. But each morning I wake up, think of him, "brush myself off," and forge ahead. I want him to come home and be able to be proud of me. If I don't get out of bed in the morning that couldn't exactly happen. I'm pushing myself harder now than ever, because I know that he is too.

We missed a phone call from him. We only got to hear the message he left. But it was still his voice saying that he loved me. I replayed it a few times. Nothing has ever sounded that beautiful. I wish I could have said it back, but I treasure the fact that I was able to hear it.

The future is what I live for. It can't come fast enough.

I am a military girlfriend, and the army makes more than my boyfriend strong. It toughens even those of us it leaves behind.

Friday, April 17, 2009

More Letters

We got new letters from Kyle today!

I'm absolutely thrilled to hear from him...but they did make me cry hysterically for a bit. I can't believe how much I miss him. He put in so many little bits of information that would only be really understood by the two of us. Little asides about the home we've planned, messages to give to Pluff. (The stuffed animal he gave me for Valentine's day. We talked to Pluff. He's my baby.) It was so sweet.

It surprised me that he mentioned so much about the future we want together in letters that are to be shared between me and his family. It doesn't bother just surprises me. I guess I didn't realize how serious and how swiftly approaching that future is. I'm glad it's coming though. I'm more than ready for it.

The saddest part was reading that he wishes he'd thought this through more. I don't think it had really hit him what he signed up for. I know he wanted some aspects of a military life, but that doesn't mean he was prepared for all the others. And yet, I have faith. I know he can do this. He's tougher than even he thinks.

Seventeen more weeks until I can see him again. It can't come soon enough. He may not be able to wait to "have me in his arms again," but I really can't wait to be back there.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

One good thing about college?

If you are a complete dunce like me and write the wrong essay assingment for your 300-level English class, your professor just might say: "It's okay. Bring in what you have. I'm sure we'll appreciate the variety."

I really love this class.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Missing you...

is the hardest thing I've ever done.
I wouldn't do it for anyone else.
I hope you know that.
I hope you know that I'll never love anyone like this.
I hope you know that I'd wait forever if I had to.
I just really don't want to.

I want to see you, hear you, hold you.
I want to scream, to cry, to laugh.
I want to fast forward, slow down, and stay here.
I want to run, to go, to stay.
I want to beg and plead, and be strong.
I want so much and I can't have any of it.

Today is not one of my best.
Don't hold it against me.
We both know tomorrow will be better...
One day closer if nothing else.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

I'm Back

I don't know how it happened, but sometime about half way through my first class today I got my "me" back. The ambition, the drive, the calm assurance, the faith in myself, the desire to succeed, the independence, the hope. It all came back in a rush and I was completely overwhelmed with happiness. I've missed me very much.

After that my day took a turn for the better. I was active and engaging in every class, sucking every last bit of knowledge and joy out of my day: I finshed scheduling my courses for next semester (a full load; two literature courses, anthropology, earth science, biology of aging, and public speaking [which I'm very nervous about]). I talked to strangers. I had conversations with my co-workers. I waved at people I only barely recognize from last semester. I made friends with a dog that was being walked around campus. One of my old professors shook my hand, said it was "good to see me again," and that he was looking forward to seeing me back next semester. I made plans for tomorrow and Saturday...but most of all, I started to smile again. And not in the fake, I'm-gonna-laugh-myself-out-of-this-stupor smile. I displayed a pure and simple, genuine and heartfelt smile that proudly declared how happy I am to be alive, and young, and and learning, and wonderfully in love with someone who loves me back. It was marvelous.

I know that may sound a bit cheesey. But that's fine with me. I don't mind in the least. It's honest, and that's what really counts.

I'm glad to be back. =D

Tuesday, April 7, 2009


Last night Kyle called and was finally able to give us the address to mail him his letters. A stack of fifteen from me is currently on its way to Missouri, accompanied by what I'm sure are matching stacks from his mom and sister. It makes me feel so much better to know that he'll be able to read what I've been writing him, and be reassured that we're all waiting for him here with love and open arms.

Also, it's snowing here. It's practically a blizzard in April. I guess you really can't beat Kentucky weather...