Tuesday, March 31, 2009

9 days.


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I miss him.
We were so happy...
and I miss that.


But we can do this.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

The Capacity of Words




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"When in love, the sight of the beloved has a completeness which no words and no embrace can match..."



-John Berger


That statement holds a lot of truth. Words really aren't enough to contain the wealth of human emotion. We can explain how we feel until we run out of breath, but we will still never be able to transmit our experience to any other person.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

He's Gone

I don't know how I've done it, but I've kept myself together pretty well. I miss him so much it hurts, but life goes on, and eventually it will bring me to the day I see him again. I wrote him his first letter last night. It was so long I had to type it. It ended up being three pages typed in 11 point font. It was humongous.
Well actually, he took his first week's worth of letters with him since he'll have to go a few days without one until he sends us his address information...and then there's the time it will take for my letters to get there...

I'm really glad I thought of sending them. It makes me feel less lonely, knowing that I sent a small part of me away with him.

As if to mimic how broken my days are without him my car broke down last night. I'm back to driving my Grandpa's old blue car I've nicknamed Burt. Burt and I are old friends. I get him on loan every time something goes wrong with my cars. I have bad luck with them.

Anyhow, I'm at work, so I have to return to filing for a bit. Wish me luck today on my second official day as a military girlfriend...

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Amazed




Okay. So I'm not usually the biggest fan of American Idol...but this kid got my attention. I think I've watched this video ten times already. Go for it.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Jane Tompkins

One of my English classes assigned an essay for reading. The essay was Jane Tompkins' ""Indians": Textualism, Morality, and the Problem of History." The essay argues the difficulty of discerning what really happened in the distant past.  Everything we can use as a source of knowledge came from a person who's perspective is different from everyone else's, and is slightly biased by default based upon the observers values and cultural beliefs.

"The problem [with finding the truth] is that if all accounts of the events are determined through and through by the observer's frame of reference, then one will never know, in any given case, what really happened."

Tompkins has a good point in this essay. Nothing we say about what others think or do can ever be completely true. We cannot really guess someone's motives, because we will never be able to see things from their unique perspective.

It's food for thought, this Tompkins essay. It makes me think twice about many assumptions I have made in the past, and warns against more in the future. It's an interesting and somewhat perplexing read which I reccomend highly. We could all stand to be a bit more open-minded...and we could all benefit from realizing that our own preconcieved notions about the world hold us back from so many opportunities...

Monday, March 16, 2009

Only Seven Days Left

There are only seven more days until Kyle leaves for basic training.

Life is going on as usual. Aside from the occasional question from a friend or co-worker nothing is at all out of the ordinary. I go to class. I do my homework. I go to work. I visit Kyle. Nothing has changed. It doesn't feel like anything will change. I hope I can stay immersed in this rhythm of school and work and visiting...friends. I hope it's enough.

I'm actually looking forward to the letter writing though. There's something romantic about writing letters. It's more heartfelt than e-mailing or texting, somehow more intimate. It requires more thought, more patience, and gives me an excuse to buy some gorgeous stationary.

On a lighter note, this Friday is my first official payday! I'm excited. I'm getting my hair cut this Saturday to celebrate. Yay!

Thursday, March 12, 2009

What Four Lines Can Do


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Flipping through my literature book I found a four line poem by Margaret Atwood. It follows:

you fit into me
like a hook into an eye


a fish hook
an open eye

Yep, that's all folks. But isn't it amazing how much we know because of those four little lines? I could invent an entire story based upon the emotional wealth found in them. I sit here typing, astounded. I find this poem bold, gutsy, and wish more were so honest.



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Atwood is also the author of the book The Handmaid's Tale, a slightly frightening futuristic novel that follows the life of a woman stripped of her entire identity...losing everything from her family, to her job, her money, her home, and even her name itself. I recommend it with the warning that you won't find a happy ending. In fact, you don't find much of an ending at all. The book is guaranteed to leave you absolutely haunted.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Running Out

I'm running out of replacement bags for the shredder, out of Milk Duds, out of Puffs tissues, out of time until my lunch break (thank God), out of days until I turn 19, out of time for friends, and last and far from least: I'm running out of time with Kyle. I'm down to two weeks today. I'm scared. I'm excited. I'm ready. I'm not. I'm worried sick. I'm more proud than I thought possible.

I want this all to go well. I want to be strong and supportive. I want to cry...

What do I do? I'd like to scream that question to the heavens right about now. Quick answer here is nothing. There is nothing to do but let go when I run out of time, to get new bags when I use up the last one, and to go to lunch when the next fifteen minutes are up. Hopefully things will turn out for the best.

Friday, March 6, 2009

25.

I've been tagged twice on Facebook and once here to post 25 things about myself. I'm not tagging anyone. (If you want to post some facts about yourself do it. I'd love to read them. Feel free. But I'm not going to obligate anyone to share.) Here is my list of 25 random facts:

1) I am very dramamtic. I make a bigger fuss about most things than I should. I almost always regret it. When I am really really hurting about something...I am quieter about it than I would have been if I were only slightly upset.

2) I don't think I know myself very well at all. Sometimes I am surprised by my reactions to situations. There are some issues and circumstances I feel very strongly about, but other than those, I am not someone that fits into a neat and tidy box of actions.

3) I hate to be alone. I am not one of those people who can be just as happy curled up with a book by themselves. (Though I do dearly love to read.) I need my friends and family around me to keep me positive. If I am alone I feel like I am somehow failing at life.

4) When my best friend moved to a new neighborhood two years ago I took in her dog. My Dad and I take care of it...but I still think of it as hers. She still loves it more than I do. I knew it would end up this way.

5) I didn't want to grow up. Growing up means that you have to stop believing in things like magic and perfect love. I don't want to give those things up.

6) I think watermelon cures sickness...and that this is why I'm never ever sick in the summer.

7) I think being a librarian will be exciting, and I don't care what anyone else says about how boring it is. I like books. What better job could I persue?

8) I don't try as hard in my favorite classes because they are the ones I am best at. I know I will be able to scrape up a good grade with little effort, so I focus on the harder ones I hate instead. I probably let down my professors (and high school teachers) because I don't live up to my potential...but I always have a good GPA.

9) I used to pretend I liked Warheads sour candy even though I didn't just so other kids wouldn't think I was weird. To this day I still think kids that like them are crazy.

10) My two biggest fears are: a) Having cancer like my mom, or being diabetic like a lot of people in my family. b) Losing Kyle. I could live with anything else. (I mean this literally.)

11) I hate plain water. I drink it only because it's healthy. This fact isn't enough to make me eat beans though. I despise beans.

12) I used to read in bubble baths. Then I read Inkheart by Cornelia Funke and imagined how embarrassing it would be to have someone from a book appear in my bathroom. I haven't read in the bathtub since. (Yes, I know it's silly.)

13) It's hard for me to tell the people I love that I am angry with them. I'm always afraid they'll become so angry with me that they won't love me anymore.

14) I am a great advice giver, but I'd never take my own. And yet I am upset when people don't listen to me when we both know I'm right. I know this is hipocritical. I still won't change.

15) I am typing this at work. I finished the tasks that were supposed to take me an hour and one half in fifteen minutes. I still have half an hour to waste...

16) I like the feeling I get when I accomplish a lot in one day, even if it takes a lot of rushing and makes me dead tired. I need to feel useful and successful to be happy.

17) I don't eat green popsicles or green jello. That's just wierd, even if it does promote a stereotype.

18) I am the most impatient person I know, including my ten year old brother. I just hide my impatience better. I annoy myself with it most of the time. In my head there is a constant refrain of "Are we there yet? Am I finished yet? How much longer? What time is it now?"

19) I laugh a lot when I'm sleepy. That's probably the closest to drunk I'll ever get. I don't ever want to drink. Ever. My mom had times during her life where she'd "check out" and not remember entire days or weeks due to childhood trauma. I don't want to forget things.

20) I always thought I wanted a daughter, but now that I'm older, I long for a son as well. I didn't think I'd be happy without a girl, but now I finally know what people mean when they say it doesn't matter whether they have a girl or a boy. I'd love either.

21) Practical Magic was, and still is, my all-time-favorite movie. When I was little I'd try to blow on the candles around the house to make them light. I even made the love spell with the rose petals.

22) On a school trip with my friends we all said we were going to write our confessions on pieces of paper and hide them in Post Secret books in a Border's Bookstore. I was the only one to do it. I told them all that I did, and made them promise not to look for it. They didn't. I was disappointed. They recently told me that they really wanted to know what I wrote. I won't tell them what the paper said, but I love that they wanted to know...and I wish they'd looked. (For an explanation of Post Secret see my links.)

23) I prefer cats to dogs. Most people don't understand this because they think dogs are more loveable. It isn't that I don't like dogs, I do, I just think cats have more personality.

24) I really want to witness some sort of supernatural phenomenon...see a ghost, hear voices... But at the same time I don't because I'm afraid I'd either think I was crazy or have everyone else think that.

25) I don't really like pumpkin pie anymore. It was my childhood favorite. I won't tell my grandmothers because they both perfected their pumpkin pie-making just for me. I eat it every year at Christmas and Thanksgiving. I always say it's wonderful.

Dancing in my Dorm

That's right ladies and gentlemen. I was really dancing in my dorm room this morning. I'm finally getting over a flu that's lasted more than a week now, and the relief combined with a beautiful, warm day, and an amazing first class has me in a perfect mood. It doesn't hurt that it's spring break and that my new-found job is amazing.

Optimism is easier when things are going well.

Today's motto is: "life is a gift." And while I know that might change to "life is a pain" in a few short weeks I'm living up to my motto-of-the-day and enjoying the good times while I can.

Well...gotta run. I have to finish packing to go hooooooooooooooome. Thank the Lord for some time out of this concrete box (not that it isn't nice...just not home). Enjoy the coming of spring everyone!