Thursday, October 1, 2009

Rewind

It's hard to believe that our month together went by so quickly.  It seems like it could have been a week ago that I was telling you all about the trip to go and bring him home and yet suddenly here we are:  I'm telling you about giving him back again.  :/

It was an excruciating experience.  The whole way to St. Louis (a six hour drive) I kept trying to convince myself that we were just going on vacation.  I deliberately denied the truth to keep from having a break down.  My dad came along and drove almost the whole time.  Kyle slept most of the way with the passenger seat reclined so that he was practically lying with his head in my lap.  I kept one arm around him, holding on to him with everything I had, and knowing it wouldn't be enough to keep him with me.  When I could feel the tears swelling I'd focus intently on tracing circles in what little hair he's allowed to keep with my fingers, trying to sooth us both. 

We made the drive in good time and found a hotel for the night without any problems.  Kyle kept me laughing.  Falling asleep in each other's arms was bittersweet that night.  We both knew it would be the last night we'd share.  He pressed kisses into my hair and I cuddled in as close as I could.

Breakfast the next morning felt like lead in my stomach.  I was smiling and laughing on the outside, but inside I was screaming and pulling at my hair like a crazy person.  I don't think I've ever had to use so much self-restraint.  I wanted to drag him out to the car, tie him up, throw him in the trunk and head for Mexico as fast as possible.  ...and yes, I knew it was a really bad plan.  So I kept my mouth firmly shut like a good little Army fiancee and didn't complain too much.  I didn't even cry my first tears of the day until we were on our way to the airport.

But that didn't come until quite a bit later.  We passed the majority of the morning making the most of the time we had.  We went to the Gateway Arch and took a ton of photos.  :)


After that came the airport.  :(

When we checked in his bags, I lost control for the first time.  The lady behind the desk asked if I'd like to go with Kyle to the gate, and one tear slid down my cheek.  She looked from Kyle to me, and then her eyes swept over my left hand momentarily, noticing my ring.

"Oh, it'll be alright," she said, and that was all it took.  I was weeping.  It would not be alright.  My life was about to walk onto a plane without me.  How could she say something like that.  Of course it's not going to be alright.  While I realize she was only trying to be nice, it wasn't the best thing to say at the moment.

I was on shaky ground from that point on, fluctuating between tears and smiles.  We waited for an hour before he had to board the flight.  We passed the time talking and flipping through photos.  But after the last embrace and last hurried kiss, after one final "I love you," he was gone.  I fell apart then.  I stumbled back through the gates, fighting for each breath.  It felt like drowning.  My lungs couldn't take in enough air, and I was panicking.  It took enormous effort to place on foot in front of the other.  I had to constantly remind myself to keep moving, and at one point I remember thinking that I probably looked like I was planning to bomb the place... 

It's a blessing that Dad was there to pull me back through the airport and out to the car.  He let me mourn uninterrupted for a while, and comforted me when I needed it.  Around 7:00 Monday night I got a phone call from Kyle saying that he made it to the Chicago airport alright, and at 7:15 yesterday morning we had a 41 second exchange that let me know he'd arrived in Germany in one piece. I haven't heard anything past that, but I'm not worried.  Now that he's there, I know he'll be great.  He's capable of achieving so much.  We'll get to talk to each other eventually.  Waiting is something I'm used to by now.

Today...  Today I can't really tell you how I'm feeling.  It changes from one moment from the next, but that's about how I was feeling through the first few days of our last separation.  The first bit will be the hardest because it's a readjustment, but I know that there are only two options for me at this point.  I can either fall apart completely, or I can pick myself up and carry on.  Much as I hate it, and much as I wish I could change it, there's only one way out of this mess and that's to go straight through it.  How I handle it is up to me. 

While a good portion of me wants to find a rewind button, the biggest part is ready for what is to come.  Each day is a new day, and one closer to the future for which I am so desperately longing.  Getting there will be difficult, but then so are all of life's great adventures.  I know in the end, looking back on where I've been, we'll have made a beautiful journey, both together and apart.  :)

35 comments:

  1. You are a strong young woman Carrie - this is why you were given this man. It helps all of us to know these young men fighting for us have people like you to hold them up.

    I am so sad for you going through the painful experience of letting him go but I know you will pick yourself up and carry on. We can already see it at the end of your post.

    Carry on Carrie.

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  2. You have so much strength! To be able to go through all of that--saying goodbye again and knowing you'll have to wait for who knows how long--I couldn't do it. It will be difficult, but it sounds like your love is strong, and it is that strength that will carry you through the hard times. Your love will help you do things you couldn't on your own (I've seen that in my relationship with my fiance). It won't be alright, you're right, but it isn't the end of the world right now, either. God has your lives the way they are for a reason. This is all part of His plan. It will be hard, but try not to spend all of your time focusing on the future. Try to take advantage of the present the way it is now, and live it up! You will be together again.

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  3. My heart goes out to you right now Carrie! Give yourself a little bit of time to mourn without any shame. You don't want it to build up. I agree with Zen Mama... we're put with these men because God knows we're strong enough to handle it. It may not seem like it all the time, but it's true. You'll both get through this and will be a better couple in the end (as in not taking things for granted and loving each other that much more). We're all here for you!!

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  4. You'll get through it, one way or another.

    By the way, I don't know if this will be helpful, but when I'm depressed or feeling down listening to "Les Miserables" helps. Of course, some people describe the opera as depressing, but I find it helps me for whatever reason.

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  5. I am sorry you had to go through so much heartache and sadness while saying good bye. Your bf is so lucky to have someone that loves him as much as you do. Keep your head up, I hope you feel better in the coming days.

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  6. Oh honey, I know exactly how difficult those moments after goodbye are. The only way to go now is up, trust me. I'm sure Kyle is doing fine over there and is just being kept super busy with in-processing and everything. He'll call you soon, don't worry. No news is good news. I'm giving you a big virtual hug right now. Email me if you need to talk at all, ok?

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  7. Saying goodbyes to someone you love so much is so difficult. I have a relationship that is long distance and while it is not due to the army, it is still hard. Seeing eachother only for a few days at a time every couple of months is taxing, but we make it work.

    As they say, love conquers all.

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  8. Hang in there. Don't be afraid to cry when you can't bear it anymore... *thinking of you*

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  9. Oh - As I was reading this, it was like I was reliving our first deployment all over again. It is an emotional time. So.. cry, cry cry. And try (and I know its hard) to stay calm. Keep yourself busy. As other comments have mentioned he will be busy in-processing and getting settled in the current living situation that the Army has given him. BUT - the most important thing to remember is that it is just temporary. These feelings won't last the whole time. You will find things to fill your days and things to take your mind away from the loneliness. Be calm. Be patient with the communication (which will be limited and not so private). But most of all be kind to yourself. This is not easy, but we are strong military spouses! We band together and you have a HUGE support network on here and with family and friends! Keep your head up!

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  10. Thinking of you. Well done for being brave - you show such inspirational strength in your post! Kyle is lucky to have such a loving fiancee waiting for him. *Hugs*

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  11. I've teared up in my office... again. It's partly from not having my little brother safe under my wing, but mostly because your writing is beautiful and makes me feel, even if I wasn't so close to the situation.

    Are we still going wedding dress shopping this weekend?

    *think happy thoughts*

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  12. Once again, thanks everyone. :) I can always count on you guys to remind me that I'm not alone.

    And Courtney, heck yes we're going shopping. ...or at least I'd really like to. Just for fun. I don't intend to purchase anything until later, but there's no need to tell anyone that. ;)

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  13. Haha... wedding dress surveying. ;D

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  14. Awww..I felt myself tear up for you. I couldn't imagine having to let Keith go and come like that. Zen Mama is right. You are very strong. I hope you hear from him soon.

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  15. Courtney: Precisely. ;) I'm rather excited.

    Jessica: Thanks. :) I really hope I hear something by this weekend at least. We don't have an international phone plan, so the only way we can communicate is online. I'm guessing he doesn't have an internet source where ever he's staying and will have to find one on free time...

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  16. I heard once that you never know how strong you are until you are put in a situation that you need strength. Carrie, you a strong woman and nothing will stand in your way unless you let it.
    Continue to fill your days with monatonious activities, and very soon the day for Kyle to finally come home will be here. Remember: "Strength is keeping it together when everyone expects you to fall apart."
    Take care, Carrie.

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  17. Lizz: I tell people that all the time. I can't tell you how often I hear people say "I could never do that." I always laugh and tell them that they probably could. I never thought I'd be able to either. ;)

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  18. Aw, I'm sorry that you had to say goodbye to him. Do you know when you'll get to see him again? I didn't realize he was having to go to Germany.

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  19. Hey Carrie,
    Your post brought tears to my eyes. Saying goodbye is so hard. Even if it isn't forever.
    As for the telephone, since I call international ALL the time, I thought I could maybe give you some advice if you haven't already received it. I happen to have international on my phone (I think it's like $4 a month), but the calls are still $0.46 a minute - which quickly adds up. However, I've used www.callingcardplus.com and gotten really good rates (like $0.20) and Honduras is WAY more expensive than Germany. You can probably get close to $0.10 a minute. Also, Skype allows you to call landlines or cell phones and it's super cheap. I think Germany can be as low as $0.02 a minute. An he wouldn't need a computer for that. You should check it out, it would work out as long as he has access to a phone.
    Abrazos!!

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  20. "I can either fall apart completely, or I can pick myself up and carry on. Much as I hate it, and much as I wish I could change it, there's only one way out of this mess and that's to go straight through it. How I handle it is up to me."

    You are SO right about that. I know Kyle wouldn't want you to fall apart; he wants you to be happy and live your life while you're waiting for him. Make sure you are the best person you can be for him when he gets back!

    Which, by the way, will be soon, so you better get to it! = )

    ~ Jen

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  21. I really enjoy reading your blogs. You remind me of the girl I once was. I married a United States Marine, formerly known then as my high school sweetheart. One of the best things you'll ever learn to do is how to put on a mask. The pain never really goes away. Being a military spouse is a hard job. Maybe the hardest, but your job here is to reassure your soldier-wherever he may be- that he's got something waiting for him when he comes home. Best of wishes.
    Anna

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  22. Go girl.

    (And thanks for the full RSS feed!)

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  23. I have the utmost respect for you and kyle.
    I couldnt imagine going with out my boyfriend for more then a day. I honestly dont know how you do it.

    your an inspiration

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  24. :) Thanks you guys. You all really are too wonderful for words.

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  26. I almost weep myself when I read this post.

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  27. I think you are handling it brilliantly so far Carrie - I fell apart completely when my boyfriend first left for Uni (which I know is nothing like what you are going through) I wish I had had your incredible strength and optimism at the time xxx

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  28. Rhianne: A separation is a separation, no matter the reason or the length of time. Don't sell yourself short. You have to have just as much strength as I do to hold it together while your boyfriend is away. Kudos to you girl. ;)

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  29. That must be truly terrible. I don't know how you do it. I would chuck him in the boot (trunk) and drive to Mexico

    Best of luck

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  30. :/ Don't think I wasn't seriously tempted. That plan does have it's complications though. A) I don't have a passport yet. B) I only know about 15 words of Spanish. and C) I don't think my car would have made the trip. It nearly died just driving to Missouri. ;)

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  31. It´s great how you handle the situation and I wanted to know where in Germany is he?
    I wish you luck and hope

    Greetings
    Larissa

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  32. Larissa: It's nothing personal, and I hope you'll understand. I have to be a bit vague about Kyle's location. :/ Telling which country he's in is about the best I can do.

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  33. This was a lovely post (obviously not the topic you understand) but you have a very lovely way with words. It's also incredibly touching how honest you are about your life.

    I hope the days pass as quickly as possible for you.

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