Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Five Days

It's coming again, and I'm doing my best to fight off the anxiety and fear that are threatening to overwhelm me. Having been through one separation already, you would think that I would be prepared, calm.

Well I'm not.

In five days it will take every ounce of my courage and strength to watch him walk away again, and as soon as he's out of sight I'll lose it for a while. (Be prepared for a short hiatus after Monday. I'll be stuffing myself full of ice cream for a day or two.)

The hardest part will be reshaping my routine. I became comfortable with him being here. I shifted everything so that he was at the center of my life again. But now instead of leaving campus every day to go home and find him waiting, I'll be walking up to an empty dorm room. (At least until next month when I can move into my new apartment.) I'll be waking up each morning to find nothing but a pillow lying next to me. I'll have to start driving myself everywhere again. I'll have to remember where I put my keys on my own. I'll won't be content to just sit at home and curl up to watch a movie - I'll be constantly busy, constantly filling up my hours so that there's no time for tears.

I don't think this will ever get an easier.

I just wish I at least knew for certain when I'd see him again. There is no end point this time. When he leaves, it's without the reassurance of a dwindling countdown. It could be six months. It could be a year. Hopefully it will only be three months. (We're hoping I can fly over to see him on my Christmas break. Please, oh please, oh please...)

Sorry to rain on the happy parade, but I'm just starting to feel panicked again. :/

Just four and a half more years... The only way to make it out is to forge ahead.

34 comments:

  1. It doesn't get easier and, I'd argue, it doesn't get harder. Try to find the strength to be in the present and not always looking ahead. Good times will come and good times are now. Things like this are hard because they matter so much. You have support when you need it.

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  2. I'm so sorry :-( I can't imagine more than a night or two away from mine...

    Maybe you could hide little notes in his stuff, so that he slowly finds them. That way, you know you are still with him.

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  3. The pain of separation stinks. My fiance lives in Honduras and we've been separated for 2.5 years now (previously thanks to the United States Citizen and Immigration Service and now thanks to the declining political situation of Honduras). I go visit about three or four times a year, but the visit is always bittersweet. Saying hello only to say goodbye such a short time later. I don't actually have any great advice because I still haven't figured out how to make the separation easier (minus a plethora of phone calls and text messages that add up to a really big check to AT&T every month). I guess just the hope that one day the separation will end; that your life together will begin for real; and that the few weeks/months/years you spent apart will pale in comparison to the many years you will spend together. Good luck!

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  4. Daphne: It doesn't get harder? Well that's a relief at least. :)

    Mrs. MidAtlantic: That's a stupendous idea. I just might do that...

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  5. Kattrina: You sound just like me. :/ I always say that the life we'll share together later will be worth all of this and more...

    It's just hard to see that sometimes, you know? Much as I try, I can't stay optimistic all the time.

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  6. Love can be excruciating..but no one would want it any other way..be strong for him and that will carry you through..Einstein said: Only a life lived for others is worth living. And it is obvious you live for him. big hug!!

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  7. Sunshine: You've pegged it. Thinking of him is what pulls me through in the end. Love is full of pain, but it is also the greatest gift life can offer. :) It's what gives us the strength to carry on when we don't think we can last another moment.

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  8. Oh Carrie. I'm figuratively sending you bundles and bundles of courage and strength. My mother always told me that the good thing about missing someone is that you really begin to understand how much they mean to you. How much you love them.

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  9. I (think) know how you feel.
    My dad is in the Army.

    My mom didn't meet my dad a lot when she was his girlfriend.
    It's all because of his duties.

    I was born when my dad was in Bosnia.
    (Out station I guess)

    Once, my mom, my sis and I didn't meet my dad for 3 months straight.

    Anyway, I hope you'll be happy no matter what happens.
    :)

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  10. Come live with me for a month. We can eat ice cream, scrapbook pictures of Kyle (mine old, yours new), watch movies, and cry together.

    I do have an extra bed that was bought specifically for you. :)

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  11. Iida: Thank you. :) That's a completely true statement on your mother's part, too. I've learned that without Kyle...my life is listless and unimportant. :/ Nothing is quite as good when he's away. ...but it does make it all the better when he's home though. :)

    Mizz Yasmin: It must have been hard for you growing up with your father gone. :/ I don't even want to imagine having kids until Kyle's out of the Army for good.

    Thanks for the kind wishes. :)

    Courtney: Sounds like a plan. ;)

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  12. Aw sweetie.
    Well everyone basically said what I was gonna say. It is hard, but you just gotta keep pushing through knowing that you'll see him again. Always keep thinking about how soon you'll see him, not about how long you could go without seeing him. And definitely take pride in the fact that he's doing this for his country, and he's doing this for you, to protect you. While you might think that he could better protect you while at your side, this is ultimately better, he's helping get rid of future threats.
    Everybody's here for you. =]

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  13. I know exactly how you feel. My fiance and I are currently in a long distance relationship, living 300 miles apart, and endure fairly long periods of separation - although not quite as long as you and Kyle by the sounds of it.

    When you're so used to someone being there, the person you're closer to than anyone else in the world, it can feel like a part of you is missing. I often think of my fiance as being my right hand - that vital part of me I'd be lost without.

    The longest time we've spent apart was three months, and that was just after we started going out. I can totally relate to what you said about filling up the hours. I do that too to make time fly by until I next see him!

    They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, and I think that's true. I'm not saying the periods of separation are any easier though, but it's worth it in the end.

    Thinking of you. *Hugs*

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  14. Long distance is so hard. I know. I've done it. It takes a lot from both people but I really think you guys are going to be ok. If you can make it through a deployment you can make it through anything! Stay strong girl!

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  15. Sending optimistic thoughts your way; it is so hard every time,it goes by slowly, but the days do keep passing! :) Letting go is hard, but each reunion is better than the last!
    Just an idea, but during deployment I kept a journal of all the things I wanted to say to him to that day and what we did. Granted he never read the entire thing, but it made me feel better and let him know how much I thought about him while he was gone!

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  16. Good luck Sweetie!
    I'm that way with my daughter, when she's with her dad, I've been known to work up to 14 hour days, just to keep myself busy and no go home to an empty, quiet house. Oh, and I have a cat to keep me company, maybe a pet would help?

    Keep your chin up, you're stronger than you know. But it is also perfectly okay to mope for a while too, it's healthy to feel everything in life to the fullest and not push it deep down inside you. Good and bad.
    Good luck!

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  17. :( i'm sorry i really don't know how you feel and i'm kinda glad i don't. this must be so hard...every time. no matter how much you prepare for it. big hugs to you today.

    btw have i ever told you how much i appreciate your comments? well i do. they're always so thoughtful. thank you!

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  18. Oh, man. That must be rough. Hope your last five days together are great!

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  19. Carrie, you are an inspiration to me. I am fixing to go through this, Cody leaves for BMT December 1. Even now, two months away I am freaking out.

    YOu have shown me that I can make it through and we will be better off, together.

    I hope these last few days are so fun and awesome and yall make so many new memories for you to remember.

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  20. Yeah, this part is crappy. Especially not knowing when you will see him again.

    I know you have lots to keep yourself busy. But give yourself a couple days to just wallow.

    Something I did when my husband deployed is for awhile I always left a light on when I left, even in the morning so it would not be dark when I came home. I also put my favorite stuffed animal by the door(didn't have my cat yet)so there would be something to cheer me up when I walked in. It was also something I could grab and hug. I also immediately turned on the TV so there would be noise.

    My thoughts are with you, Carrie!!

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  21. I totally know the feeling of adjusting your routine when he's gone and when he's back... I do that every time my boyfriend travels.

    But to not know when he's coming back??? I could not deal with that. In fact, I have a hard time when he leaves the country! Girl, you are stronger than I could ever be, and I admire you for that, and I thank you for your sacrifice for your country... because it's your sacrifice too.

    ~ Jen

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  22. just keep yourself busy and everything will be fine :)

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  23. I can't imagine how that must feel. :(

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  24. Carrie,
    It's almost that time again isn't it? I know that saying goodbye can be painful and gut wrenching ... and I am not even going to try to console you. But I will ask that, once you have had your melt down and eaten all the ice cream you can devour, and your heartsickness subsides just a little - you try to live in the present.

    Re: "I've learned that without Kyle...my life is listless and unimportant" That makes me a little sad. Let Kyle and your love for him enrich your life and the life you make together, but be sure to create a life for yourself that is full onto itself. Once you are living fully, authentically in the moment, you will bring even more to your union. Life is now, today, this very moment. It is the only certaintly so try to cherish each one. Carry your love for Kyle in your heart as you go about loving, living and creating your life! I am thinking about you little one.

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  25. I can only begin to understand how you feel, but you put into words, what I feel every time my man is away for his work, the day is a little dimmer, the nights a little longer, chocolate a little bit less satisfying and all in all life is just a little bit duller...but what it makes me relise is we are so lucky to have that felt that love because we get to see how bright and fantastic life can really be.

    Oh a happy note you must try what Mrs MidAlantic suggested, I put notes in my mans shoes, and in his training gear and I know it makes him smile when he finds them cause he knows I miss & love him.

    Good luck Carrie.

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  26. I have an idea for you!! i haven't read all your comments so if i am repeating someone else I promise i did think it myself haha. What is his fave aftershave boy perfume thingy?? buy a bottle of it and spray stuff with it like his t shirt and sleep in it and a teddy etc etc. also if you have the bottle when the smell starts to run out or when you wash the shirt you can re spray. It is a way of keeping him by your side. They say our sense of smell is one of the biggest triggers to our memory so it will help you to remember his touch etc xxx

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  27. I feel for you, I really do. Having just moved interstate I know what its like to not be with someone you love, while I may not have experienced the true love that you two have but I can say it gets better. But keep chocolate on standby, I would recommend Lindt (: x

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  28. Thank you so much everyone. :) I really can't tell you guys how much it means to me to have so many people here for support. It makes this easier than anything else has.

    I'll definitely be hiding those notes. That was a great idea. ;)

    When he was away to basic training, he recieved more mail than anyone else there. His mom and sister wrote him about twice a week, and he got a letter from me for each day that he was away.

    We have all of his letters organized into one of those gigantic binders now. It's kind of comforting to see them all together like that, showing that even though it was hard, and in the beginning it felt as if it would never end, we did make it through.

    I do have one of his shirts that I sleep with every night he is away. It's both comforting and torturous. I wake up every morning to that familiar scent, and sometimes it makes me smile, but sometimes it makes me want to cry that much harder. I wouldn't do without it though. It comforts more than it hurts. :)

    And Lyn, I do try. I really do. I get out and I do things and I see the other people in my life that I love. I set goals for myself, and I accomplish quite a bit. Some of the best times I've had with my friends happened while he was away. (Like that vacation this summer...that's one I'll NEVER forget.) ...but everything is just a little bit less bright than it is when he's here. He makes my life so much more, you know? It's hard being without that. :/

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  29. I hear ya! Keep that shirt close!

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  30. I can't imagine what that must feel like.. but think of the good times in the future. Waiting is horrible (believe me I know!), but be strong! You have forever with him, hold onto that :)

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  31. Confessionist: Haha. Kyle says that to me all the time...not to worry because we have the rest of our lives when it's over. ;)

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