Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Surprise surprise...

Yesterday I had every intention of having a quiet day at home. I was planning to bake a pineapple cake and do laundry and start cleaning up my shambled home.

But that was before Christina called me. Christina, as a few of you may know, was my best friend for years. She still is, for that matter. But we hardly ever see each other these days. Our lives took very different paths after high school.

Christina was an absolute rebel. I got into the worst trouble when I was with her, and always had the best times. But she was also the solid figure in my life. She was the one friend I always knew I'd never lose, no matter how far apart our futures took us. She was the sister I should have had, and my complete opposite.

While I went away to college, Chrissy started her family. She married the boy that we all thought was "just a phase," had a beautiful son, and made a life for herself that none of us saw coming. We all thought she'd stay the rebel forever, but she didn't. In fact, she's quite the model mommy. ...and I'm so proud of her.

While some may say her early decisions were irresponsible, or not thought out enough, she's handled the extra responsibility very well. She's gave up a lot, that's true. She didn't get to have a lot of the cliche "senior year of high school" experiences that the rest of us did, and she didn't come away to college with us, but she gets so much more. I think she said it best herself: "[W]hile my friends will be away from their family, I get to spend every precious moment with mine. I won't miss any new sound or movement my son makes and that to me is more important than any degree! I am about to Major in the hardest subject in life: MOTHERHOOD 101."

Over the year since we graduated high school, we haven't been able to see each other all that much. She's busy with her family, and I'm busy planning my career and worrying about my crazy boyfriend. So when she called my yesterday and asked if she could come to visit, I cleared my schedule.

We spent close to three hours talking while Isaiah, her gorgeous little boy, played. I can't believe how much I've missed her.

But the big surprise came when I realized how much I envy her. Even though everyone tells me I'm on the right track, and while I know the career I'm persuing will help me later, I can't help but be a little jealous. As I'm getting older, I'm absolutely longing for a family of my own. I want it so badly.

I'm going crazy being on campus with a bunch of immature party-happy young adults. I just don't think with the same mindset as most college kids. I want a home of my own, a husband I trust with my heart, and a gorgeous little baby. (And a dog, of course.) And it's a terrible thing to want, because there's no way on earth I can have it for a long time. I'd never forgive myself if I gave up on my degree. I can't even consider it. And things...aren't exactly lined up for "settling down" right now. Not with a boyfriend who's running off wherever the Army sends him. Not to mention that I know I'm not ready for all that yet.

But still...it's fun to daydream about it. And shocking, because I never thought I'd want to be tied down. I used to be so...independant. I wanted to be able to do what I want, when I wanted. To be able to leave town on a moment's notice. But that's just not that appealing anymore.

I'm a bit disgusted with myself really. I can't make up my mind about anything. I want very different things that can't be reconciled.

Jeez.

But I definitely need an apartment at the very least...as a compromise with my ever-battling self. :/

And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. The mess of debate and shock and craziness that's been going on in my head. Will I never stop surprising myself?

15 comments:

  1. ok first of all lady, you are so young and you have time. it's normal to feel like this now especially when you're in college. that's the point in my life where i think i grew the most. just be patient. i see great things in your future :)

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  2. haha. I guess I sort of asked for that one. ;)

    And trust me, I know I have time. And I know I should be patient. ...and I will be. But I'll kick and scream the whole time. lol.

    Thanks, though. =)

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  3. I had some of those feeling when I was your age, too. All pefectly normal.

    I see you getting out there and doing fun things and experiencing life, while also planning for your future. You are an excellent role model for young women (and older women LOL!!)

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  4. Girl, you've got plenty of time to do your settling down business! Never hurry, never worry, as E.B. White wrote. One day, when you've got a family etc, you'll realise these college years were a great time, because you need the maturity you're gaining right now to ever be able to lead a balanced family life.

    x, Iida

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  5. Carrie, I can remember some of those same feelings ... I always felt that I was born "old". I wanted to be a grown up -- get on with my life. I think getting your place would satisfy some of that in you ... you could create your own home. Still -- this moment in time - this luxury of having time dedicated to your education, your personal development ... it will be short and fleeting; Try to enjoy it and have peace knowing that a family and a future will roll out before you ... in due time. You don't have to feel as though every thing has to be fully planned ... look to see what life has in store for you. Something great - I can tell!

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  6. Lyn, thanks so much for the good advice that you never fail to have for me. :) ...and I think getting my own place is going to be a MUST. After this next year of school I don't think I want to be going back home...or at least not back to home with the parents. If I don't get started doing SOMETHING of my own I think I may go a little crazy.

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  7. just found your blog and wanted to say hello!

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  8. Hello Chelsea! Thanks for stopping by! :)

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  9. I loved reading your story and all the comments...It's funny how it seems that we "ALL" went through these feelings. I remember feeling the same envy watching my sister and her boys. Enjoy you life TODAY...trust me, in a few years when your running up the stairs with one baby on your side, a laundry basket full of clothes, and another baby yelling that he's hungry, you'll cherish the good ol' days of college...in fact, it's my "happy place"...hahaha!!!

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  10. Wow lady! Your mind has been busy lately! I think it's easy to get caught up in the future when you're young. There's plenty of time to have a family... and you are doing a wonderful service to that future family right now by educating yourself and getting a career in place. You have a boyfriend that loves you... you have so much!

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  11. Carrie, I know EXACTLY how you feel. Come visit me again and we'll talk about it.

    Plus, I have more crazy Veronica gossip. :)

    I think we're moving for sure. Maybe, Ryan and I can buy a big house that will have enough rooms for all of our friends looking for independance. There's at least 5 of you. :P

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  12. Chrysanthemum & Auri, thank you ladies for the lovely thoughts and advice. :)

    All of you commenters really brighten up my day.

    Courtney: I have cake for you!!!! (And if you really move into a mansion and rent me a room, I'll bake you guys a different treat every weekend as a thank you. ;])

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  13. It seems like you only have a female perspective on this so I will give you a male's.

    I was engaged at 19 and things didn't work out which was for the best. I graduated college, have traveled the world, and my wife and I sat down and said, "When can we say that we have done what we wanted and got it out of our system? Because that is when we are going to have kids."

    College is a great experience and while I know it sounds like such a great thing to have a family, if your college experience is anything like mine was, you find a group of people that become a family and you have experiences with them that you just couldn't have if you had a baby. And you mature and grow and one day everything can fall into place and you can be a better person who can better handle a kid.

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  14. I know exactly what you are talking about as well. I remember the same feelings at your age. I'm going against everyone else here by saying you can have it all.

    Getting married young was right for me and it hasn't stopped me from finishing my education or anything else. Actually, Keith has lifted me up and given me more confidence to go after my goals and dreams.

    Trust me. Regardless of what happens, things always work out for those who make them. :) I think you're one of those girls, too.

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