Yesterday I had every intention of having a quiet day at home. I was planning to bake a pineapple cake and do laundry and start cleaning up my shambled home.
But that was before Christina called me. Christina, as a few of you may know, was my best friend for years. She still is, for that matter. But we hardly ever see each other these days. Our lives took very different paths after high school.
Christina was an absolute rebel. I got into the worst trouble when I was with her, and always had the best times. But she was also the solid figure in my life. She was the one friend I always knew I'd never lose, no matter how far apart our futures took us. She was the sister I should have had, and my complete opposite.
While I went away to college, Chrissy started her family. She married the boy that we all thought was "just a phase," had a beautiful son, and made a life for herself that none of us saw coming. We all thought she'd stay the rebel forever, but she didn't. In fact, she's quite the model mommy. ...and I'm so proud of her.
While some may say her early decisions were irresponsible, or not thought out enough, she's handled the extra responsibility very well. She's gave up a lot, that's true. She didn't get to have a lot of the cliche "senior year of high school" experiences that the rest of us did, and she didn't come away to college with us, but she gets so much more. I think she said it best herself: "[W]hile my friends will be away from their family, I get to spend every precious moment with mine. I won't miss any new sound or movement my son makes and that to me is more important than any degree! I am about to Major in the hardest subject in life: MOTHERHOOD 101."
Over the year since we graduated high school, we haven't been able to see each other all that much. She's busy with her family, and I'm busy planning my career and worrying about my crazy boyfriend. So when she called my yesterday and asked if she could come to visit, I cleared my schedule.
We spent close to three hours talking while Isaiah, her gorgeous little boy, played. I can't believe how much I've missed her.
But the big surprise came when I realized how much I envy her. Even though everyone tells me I'm on the right track, and while I know the career I'm persuing will help me later, I can't help but be a little jealous. As I'm getting older, I'm absolutely longing for a family of my own. I want it so badly.
I'm going crazy being on campus with a bunch of immature party-happy young adults. I just don't think with the same mindset as most college kids. I want a home of my own, a husband I trust with my heart, and a gorgeous little baby. (And a dog, of course.) And it's a terrible thing to want, because there's no way on earth I can have it for a long time. I'd never forgive myself if I gave up on my degree. I can't even consider it. And things...aren't exactly lined up for "settling down" right now. Not with a boyfriend who's running off wherever the Army sends him. Not to mention that I know I'm not ready for all that yet.
But still...it's fun to daydream about it. And shocking, because I never thought I'd want to be tied down. I used to be so...independant. I wanted to be able to do what I want, when I wanted. To be able to leave town on a moment's notice. But that's just not that appealing anymore.
I'm a bit disgusted with myself really. I can't make up my mind about anything. I want very different things that can't be reconciled.
But I definitely need an apartment at the very least...as a compromise with my ever-battling self. :/
And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. The mess of debate and shock and craziness that's been going on in my head. Will I never stop surprising myself?