Monday started out with a dream I didn’t want to wake up from. It was too sweet and perfect, and too stark a contrast to the real world. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I couldn’t focus on anything. I couldn’t do anything but long for better (less lonely) days. I neglected my work, spent little time on the posts I managed to turn out, and didn’t leave my house when I finally got back to it.
It was coming. As I sat there on the sofa I could feel it rolling in the same way fisherman senses a thunderstorm. Every muscle in my body tensed and I drew my knees close, hugging them. My heart ached; a physical pain that felt like a hand clenching it made me gasp. The all-too-familiar knot rose in my throat. My eyes began the dull ache that signaled the approaching flow of tears. Goosebumps covered my arms.
Oh no. No. No. No.
Walls of despair were surrounding me fast. I kicked and beat at them with all my strength. Screamed. Dug my nails into them and tried to climb my way out. But it wasn’t any use. They’re impenetrable. The darkness settled over me like a thick fog.
And everyone says I handle it so well.
Just before the first tear could trickle down my cheek, the faintest of lights broke through the shadow, and I smiled as warm sunshine came pouring back into my day. I was up and moving before the phone had finished its first ring. I didn’t look at the caller ID. I didn’t wait to hear the voice on the other end. I just said, “You called!” because I already knew.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I make it through. Just when I begin to think I can’t do this, just when it starts to feel like it’s too much, the waters part, the clouds move away, and the universe aligns itself properly for us. My getting by has nothing to do with some great strength, and it certainly isn’t the product of staying busy. It’s moments like this one that make me realize that things will be okay. Things will work out, because in this life love is stronger than any pain, any fear, and any obstacle. It is what is always there to lift me back up out of the abyss.