Monday, June 1, 2009

Dear Kyle,

Today I'm missing you more than ever. I think that's inevitable. Each day that I wake up is one day further away from you than the last one was. But it's also one day closer, and that gives me hope.

There are moments when I could kick you for leaving me like this. While I know that the benefits will far outway this pain in the long run, I have a hard time focusing on that. Can you blame me? Being here without is the hardest thing I've ever done...but it's not the hardest thing I'll do. Watching you walk away from me this August will be ten times worse, because I know I could be walking away with you.

I love you more than I ever thought possible. I didn't imagine, in my childhood, that love like this could really exist. I thought it belonged in fairy tales. I made myself independent and indifferent. And then I saw you and all of that changed. You took my world, turned it upside down, and shook it hard. All I'm left with are the parts of me that held on tight enough to survive: the things that make up my identity rather than the facade I presented.

What's ironic is that you didn't even know what you'd done. It wasn't intentional in the least. So I waited and I worked to make myself bold and eventually I made you see that I love you, and I guess you didn't want to pass that up because here we are together...

But now you're gone, and I'm miserable. I find myself walking around aimlessly sometimes, not knowing where to go or what to do. I focused so long on getting you, and keeping you, that you became the only thing in my future I could see. I've said it many times that you're the only thing I'm sure of. I meant that. I don't regret it. I don't mind that I look forward to being with you more than anything else. After all, you do make me the happiest. Everything else is merely a detail.

The current problem is that the details aren't a good enough distraction to keep the hurt away. And in some small ways, I'm angry. I don't know what I've ever done to warrant being hurt like this. But I can't be angry with you. I can understand quite clearly what you were thinking. I know it's for the best. And beyond that, I know it's what you want, and I'd never keep you from what you want. Still, when you said "I'll never leave you," I didn't think about making a claus that would prevent you from leaving this way too. I guess that's irony at it's best, huh?

Despite the pain though, I know I'm lucky. Not many people are blessed with a love like this.

This is the letter I can't send you, because this is the letter that shows me at my weakest, and I wanted so badly to be strong for you. I'm a hopeless mess without you, and I hate that. I'm sorry. But I'm trying my very hardest here, and at least you know I mean it when I say I love you. I am absolutely living for the day when I'll see you again. I hope you know that. And I hope you know I've kept my promises.

With all my heart,
Carrie

2 comments:

  1. This made me cry.

    "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return..."

    When I was little, my mother used to tell me that missing someone is good, because it shows just how much you care.

    x, Iida

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  2. Wow.. this really had an effect on me. You really have a way with words.. a real talent. I think I would be so much more of a balanced person if I could just find the words to express feelings like this. I never can seem to find a way to get the "hard" stuff out so it just bottles up.. which we all know isn't good.
    You'll get through these hard times. Just always remember that no matter how hard it gets, a love like you just described is worth getting through anything!

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