Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Abandoning My Planning Instincts

"Just go ahead and convince yourself now that you have little control over anything as long as his boss is the US Army. It makes life so much easier."
[Quote found at link given below.]

You know, I think that's just about right. There isn't any way for me to plan anything. I don't have an option other than to take life a day at a time and not worry about the big choices that are going to come later...

But my instincts are to plan and to look at the bigger picture. I want so badly to weigh out my options and formulate a fool-proof plan to see me safely and happily through this, but I'm quickly realizing that this just isn't possible. There's no way of knowing what will be happening one, two, or three years down the road. I have no idea where Kyle will be, what he'll be doing, or if I'll be able to be there with him. So any "will I go?" decision making is pointless, especially since my presence hasn't even been formally requested yet. (Note the use of the word "formally." =/)

Accepting that he'll just have to jump when the Army gives the word, and that I'll have to adapt to it one way or another, is not an easy thing to do. Having things remain so uncertain is terrifying. I hate that I don't know when I'll get to hear his voice, and that I don't know when I'll see him again after this August. It's absolutely tearing me apart. But at the same time, it's more than worth it. Our love is strong enough to stitch the thousand pieces of my shattered self back together.

In the meantime, this site has helped me decipher all those crazy acronyms he throws into our rushed conversations. It also has some very moving and inspirational stories.

And, you know, "just in case," I've been doing some hard-core Germany/on-post living research. Among other things, I've discovered that there are some rather breath-taking castles. :)


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3 comments:

  1. this made me feel bad for a while... even though i don't really know how you feel.. it's still tragic.. cuz it's like you don't know what and when things will happen. but i wish you good luck in everything that you do ! :}

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  2. Don't bust yourself out just yet, Carrie. I'm sure someday soon everything's gonna be vivid, and by then you'll be able to make plans.

    By the way, Germany has so many castles, especially in the Rhine area. It's nice there, but the weather during autumn and winter is just too much for a tropical person like me. :)

    Good luck on the future!

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  3. Adapting to change is definitely a skill worth developing when living the military life!!!

    It is hard for me to have to wait to plan things like vacations and such, especially when trying to get deals by booking early!! The trip i am taking cost me about $200.00 extra because I waited to have confirmation we coyuld go!!

    As for your future and your life --there is no planning. You just make the most of where you are at and do all you can in that place :)

    I sympathize with you being at the beginning of this. It is really hard to undestand and get used to.

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