Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Something Very True:

I am a military girlfriend. I hold no formal recognition with the powers that be. I am at the bottom of the chain. I hold no Military ID card, I am not a “dependent” or a parent. The man I love may face unspeakable dangers, and I am at the mercy of those who possess this recognition for news. I understand this and accept this.

I am a military girlfriend. I have promised to be here for him upon his return, no matter how long he is away. People may say I am insane for making such a commitment with no guarantees, but I hold onto our promises and have faith that he will come home safe to me. I know full well that my love for him fuels him in the worst of times.

I am a military girlfriend. There is no ring on my finger that symbolizes our commitment. I hope every day that he will be able to call, because a simple 30-second phone call can bring the greatest spectrum of emotions… smiling with tears in my eyes from so much joy and pain. My relationship is based on a brief communication where “I love you and I’m okay” speaks more than volumes and gives me the strength to keep going.

I am a military girlfriend. I take no moment of spent together for granted. I hold onto every touch, caress, kiss, every word. I have memorized the feel of his skin, his smell, the sound of his voice, and I play it over and over in my mind so that I will not forget. I cry myself to sleep some nights because missing him hurts so badly, but wake up the next morning, brush myself off, and start a new day.

I am a military girlfriend. The events of the next several months hold my life, my love, and my future in the balance. When you watch the news reports, you may turn away and go about your business relatively unaffected. When I watch news stories of the war, I do not see nameless soldiers a half a world away. I see individuals who will be forever changed by war. News of every casualty causes me physical pain and deep sadness, and tears beyond my control.

I am a military girlfriend, not a spouse or family member. When you say your prayers for the wives, mothers, and fathers, please don’t forget about me.


I found this, and identified with almost all of it. I miss him more than anything, but thinking of him gets me through my days, and I honestly think that thinking of me helps him too.

The promises we've made each other are all we have to go on. We aren't married. We aren't engaged. The only guaruntee we have from each other is the immense love that we share. I never doubt it, but sometimes it seems a very fragile treasure.

I had to leave my history class today. We were discussing the Civil War, and somehow every soldiers face became his. I couldn't bear it. I ran out.

I can't stand the gaps between his letters. Those pages are the only communication I have from him. It's hard. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. But each morning I wake up, think of him, "brush myself off," and forge ahead. I want him to come home and be able to be proud of me. If I don't get out of bed in the morning that couldn't exactly happen. I'm pushing myself harder now than ever, because I know that he is too.

We missed a phone call from him. We only got to hear the message he left. But it was still his voice saying that he loved me. I replayed it a few times. Nothing has ever sounded that beautiful. I wish I could have said it back, but I treasure the fact that I was able to hear it.

The future is what I live for. It can't come fast enough.

I am a military girlfriend, and the army makes more than my boyfriend strong. It toughens even those of us it leaves behind.

2 comments:

  1. Carrie - such beautiful expression of your anguish. I will include you in my prayers. I have only one bit of advice for you ... even though you live for the future right now - for the time you will be reunited - please try to live in the moment, each and every day. For today is your only certaintly. Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you!

    You have no idea how much your kindness means to me. I appreciate it very much. =)

    ReplyDelete

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