Monday, February 9, 2009

The Changes Never Cease

It's hard to say, really, how I am. That changes multiple times in each minute. One moment I am lauging but in the next something triggers what seems to be the never ending flood of tears.

It's after these moments that I wonder: "My God...What's happened to me?" I have come so far. I am hardly the same person I was only a few short months ago.

I was strong. Independant. I had "bigger" dreams, "bigger" goals. Some might say I had more potential.

I was going to New York. I was going to take a taxi each morning to a shining building, step out in fagile looking high heels, and spend each moment wisely: Writing. Networking. Proofing. Making phone calls. Doing everything I could to step closer and closer to the ultimate goal of publication.

"Won't you be lonely, scared in a city that size all by yourself?" It's what they all asked.

"Of course not!" It was always my reply. I had no doubts, and no other plan.

How different things are now! Now the thought of leaving for that far-off city leaves me shaking... Leave? How could I? Everything I know is here; everything I love. When it leaves, I will leave, and only then.

Now my dreams of independance have been shattered by dreams of marriage and motherhood. It's crazy. When I look at the drastic difference logically I can see that. How could the same person want both of these things? I don't know. I honestly don't. All I know is that I like myself much better now that I need someone other than me. I wouldn't go back for anything.

3 comments:

  1. Carrie - so well articulated! It sounds as though you are going through a confusing but exciting time. Does this mean you are getting married? Soon? Speak Carrot, Speak!

    Take care Honey and listen to your heart.

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  2. Hope you don't mind but I tagged you Carrie.

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  3. Carrie, hope you are doing OK. I am thinking of you and sending you positive thoughts.

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